R.I.P. Grandma

My Grandmother Irene passed away on Monday.

Of course it is always hard when someone passes away, especially right by the holidays, but the wake yesterday wasn't bad.

Most of the funerals I have been to in my life have been really sad because the person was taken before their time. You ask questions like "Why God? Why did you have to take them?" Death at those times seems so senseless.

With my grandma it is different. She was 94 years old. It was her time. She lived a long and full life. I don't think anybody can complain about making it to 94 years old.

What is the most impressive to me is that she was still living on her own in her house. Granted, the family was going over there several times a week and helping her out and she was mainly just living on the one floor, but still, that's impressive.

We'll miss you Grandma.

Vegas baby, Vegas!

Just got back from Vegas. The perfect trip. The perfect amount of time.

I think the secret to going to Vegas is to not stay in Vegas. By that I mean you need to take a trip out into the desert to see Red Rock or go to the Hoover Dam or like I just did, trek all the way down to the Grand Canyon.

The thing about the Grand Canyon that I found amazing is that it isn't in the middle of the desert which is how I remembered it. That's what it looks like, right? No, to get there you need to go through this beautiful mountainous forest.

Words and pictures don't do the Grand Canyon justice. So I won't even try. I will just mention that I had to close my eyes a few times- I couldn't handle watching the Japenese tourists who were getting soooooo close to the snow covered ledge!

Vegas itself was a good time. Broke even or there abouts. I consider breaking even to be equal to winning. Since I go there expecting to lose a couple of hundred dollars!

We gambled, we shopped, we walked, and walked, and walked and then had to sprint back to the Luxor to see the Louie Anderson show that we had bought tickets for. Do you remember Louie Anderson? A fat, blond comic who apparently hails from St. Paul (hence why we had to see him- he's from Minnesota!!!) The did a montage of footage of him from over the years before the show started. He was on Perfect Strangers. I didn't remember that. Anyways, it was one of the saddest things I have ever seen. He was just sort of bitter and sad and not that funny. He yelled at the audience for being uptight and not laughing enough. Just give us something to laugh at, buddy! You just sort of had the feeling that he gets up there and looks out at the audience and thinks, "Dear God, I can't believe this is my life." And not in a good way.

So that was a little disappointing.

But all in all the trip was fantastic.

My favorite part about Vegas is that they have slot machines in the airport! What better way to kill some time as you wait for your flight!?! And we ended up winning back some of our money. Always good to go out on a high note.

So yeah, three days. Perfect amount of time. Not enough time to get sick of it. Not enough time to do EVERYTHING that you wanted, which gives you a reason to look forward to going back.

Next time we WILL be doing the human chicken fights. No doubts about it. That's right, human chicken fights. Two people put on chicken outfits and tie balloons to their ankles and the other person has to try and pop the balloons! I'm thinking this idea has Kegs 'n Carnies written all over it!

laughter

Well, they say that laughter is the best medicine, and I could use some medicine to help me kick this cold. So let's talk about things that have made me laugh lately:

1. The size of my photo on this website. It's ridiculous. And I can't figure out how to make it smaller. So I'm not some vain freak, I am just computer illiterate.

2. Better Off Ted. That show is my one weakness. I've gone off before about how people watch too much TV, but watching Better Off Ted last night reminded me of how enjoyable watching TV can be!

3. I randomly found my way to Brian's (a boy I went to college with) blog where he wrote about the shopping that he and his wife just did:

Michelle splurged even more than I did. She bought herself a new toy for MSP. It's a Canon 7D camera. I'm sure she'll never let me touch it, but I am already used to not being able to touch her, ahem, our camera (I actually bought the one she's been using for the past 14 months.) I just re-read the previous sentence and how it's written is pretty funny, hopefully you will catch the laugh I just did.

4. The present that I bought for my sister for Christmas. I can't post what it was in case she happens to read this but it will make her laugh. I like making her laugh.

5. When I totally tripped and bit it going up the stairs of the el. Gotta be able to laugh at yourself. I wanted to tell the people around me, "Don't worry, I do this like four times a day!" I thought I'd grow out of my clumsiness. I guess not.

6. I told my friend (who lives in Minnesota) that in the future I would contemplate moving up to Minnesota to be closer to my boyfriend and she responded, "I've never rooted for one of your boyfriends so hard before. He's the one! I can just feel it! And if it doesn't work out you should just move back up here anyways!"

7. My old man neighbor was shoveling his back sidewalk yesterday and just looked miserable doing it. And then his dog ran up with a stick in her mouth and was just bounding around the yard in the snow, having the time of her life! Dogs are great.

relationship status

Here is a dilemma that none of my married friends have to worry about... at what point do you reveal a relationship on Facebook?

When do you switch your profile from saying "Single" to "It's complicated" or "In a relationship"?

I've decided that there is a proper time to do this, which I will get to in a moment.

I have been dating a boy for a few months and he is my boyfriend. It's not complicated, in fact, it is quite simple. He. Is. My. Boyfriend.

He was showing his parents my facebook page just to show them a few photos of me or whatever and they were making fun of him that it still says I am single. I responded that it does NOT say that I am single, it simply does not give a relationship status. I also responded that his profile doesn't say that he is in a relationship.

He responded that he would update his status if I updated mine. I said no way.

The next time I update my relationship status on Facebook will be when I get married. Not before that. Nope. Not when I get engaged. Not when I am living with someone. It will be when I am married. If then.

Mainly because I don't ever want to have to change it back to single if it doesn't work out. That's the biggest reason.

And part of me just likes the privacy.

misleading

While sitting at the kitchen table this morning I saw my sister's Prevention magazine. It had a teaser on the cover that said "WALK OFF 1 SIZE FAST! -Drop Pounds in 1 Week! -Lose 5 Belly Inches."

Sounds great, right? How are you going to do all this by walking? I decided to check it out.

So I went to the page that they indicated and then turned back to the front to make sure that I had the right page. What was the name of the article? "Turn your walk into a run... and drop a size in 4 weeks."

So that's how you "walk" off the weight, you walk it off by running!

I've been robbed!

I know better. I do. I know that I live in a big city that has one of the highest crime rates in the country. And I know that I ride through the ghetto on my way home. These are all ingrained in my head. I also know that because of these things, I need to be more aware of my surroundings.

I know these things. But apparently tonight I didn't care. I never play games on my cell phone but tonight I decided to play Mine Sweeper. And I wasn't even playing it very well. My fingers kept hitting the wrong squares and ruining the game. But I was in my own little world because I felt safe because I was tucked away on the last seat of the train, not by a door. I'm more careful when I'm by a door.

Yup.

The signal sounded that the doors were closing and BAM! the guy across the aisle jumps up, snatches the phone from my hand and races out the door!

It happened SOOOOO fast! I have to give him that.

In fact, it took me a split second to realize what had happened and by that time he was already out on the platform and running.

I did contemplate running after him for a split second but who are we kidding? Besides, I don't want to be running in that neighborhood!

Really all I had time to do was yell after him, "You asshole!" More surprised than angry.

It made me feel a little better. I would have felt much better if I had been able to yell out "I curse you!"

Of course, every person on the train turns to stare at me.

"That dude stole my phone," I felt the need to explain.

I got a few "awwws" and sympathetic looks but there wasn't much they could do.

At least he didn't get my wallet. At least I didn't get hurt. And at least I dropped my phone two weeks ago and cracked the upper right corner of the screen. Suck on that, jerk!

I debated stopping to tell the train official what had happened but decided instead to race home and deactivate my phone account and change all my passwords.

Thankfully I had erased all the dirty photos off my phone a few days ago! :)

So I don't think there is any way they can really harm me by having my phone now- can they?!?

And I am going to buy the new iphone that I wanted on Saturday.

It just makes me mad. Mostly at myself for being such a dumb suburban girl when really I know better!

nativity

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! We put our Christmas decorations up this weekend. The joy of a fake tree (other than the fact that my sister is not allergic to it like she is a real tree) is that you can put it up early and not worry about it dying before you get to the new year.

We also put up the Nativity. How do I describe our nativity sets? We have several. Yes, several.

There is the plush one that the toddlers can play with. That unfortunately dogs also seem to love!

There is the old one from Grandpa Kuratko that is very fragile (about half of the sheep only have three legs or less!) and has to be kept in the glass case.

There is the Mexican one that is desert themed with cactus and rattlesnakes that we picked up in New Mexico a few years back.

And then there is the Fontinini. I don't have words to describe this. There are well over a hundred pieces. All hand painted. But plastic so the kids can play with them. We like to play the game where you give the kids something to find like "Can you find three cats?" and they have to search until they find them. Each of the characters has a name and is a real character from the Bible and comes with a little sheet of paper that tells their story. For example, Samantha is the woman who made the swaddling clothes for Baby Jesus. Who knew?

stealing joy

What's that you say? Nikki is a big slacker who can't be bothered to update her blog? Yes, yes, I know.

To be fair, for the last few days I was without a computer down in Atlanta (and my phone doesn't let me update my blog for some reason.) Of course, that only accounts for Thursday through Saturday- what is my excuse for the rest of the time?

Atlanta was great. As always, it is such a trip to see my brother Mike being a father. What is even more amazing is how wonderful his girls are turning out! Let's not kid ourselves though, that has a lot more to do with his wife Kelly than with him! At first I was a little surprised at how strict they were with their kids. Toys must be returned to their proper spots right after playing with them and stuff like that. Now though, I am just impressed. They have two of the sweetest and well-behaved little girls I have ever seen. Not that they don't have their moments- they are three and four years old after all! But in general they are angels.

Ella got upset while they were playing Memory Match and kicked some of the cards. Mike called her over to tell her how that's not how we behave and to scold her for "stealing Lily's joy."

What was that, Mike? Stealing Lily's joy?!? I informed Mike that he stole a LOT of my joy growing up. He laughed but said that it works. For some reason that is a concept that his daughters understand. For the rest of the trip, whenever someone did something annoying, we informed them that they were stealing our joy. Please don't steal my joy. Or better yet, could you bring me another glass of wine? It would bring me great joy.

nostalgic workout world

So you know how there is a problem with childhood obesity these days? In large part because children like to sit around and watch TV and play video games? Well it got me thinking about the things that I used to do as a kid. There was a lot of running around and some of the things we did were pretty physically challenging. In fact, I'd be pretty exhausted if I did all the things that I used to do as a kid.

Which brought me to my brilliant brainstorm. Do you remember pogo sticks? Sure. What about pogo balls? It was a ball that had a platform around the middle that you had to stand on and then squeeze the ball between your feet and jump up and down. Um, that's hard. But I'm guessing it is an awesome workout! And fun. So we should make an aerobics class using them!

Then I had an even better idea. We could make a whole gym out of our old toys. I already take hula hoop classes. There could be jump rope classes, but instead of regular jump ropes you could also do double dutch or chinese jump rope. I suggested having Big Wheel races. My sister suggested just regular relay races where you do things like the wheelbarrow, or hop in a potato sack. There could be a rollerskating rink included in it. And instead of weights there could just be really heavy tinker toys/ connect-a-sets.

I think it is a fun idea but I'm not sure it would catch on. It made me think though that parents should go outside and play with their kids. Counts as family time AND work out time!

value add

So I've been talking and thinking a lot lately about changes that I need and want to make in my life. That is the whole purpose of this blog, after all.

I gave myself a year to make some changes. And I've started, but I'm still a little disappointed in myself.

It's not the easiest thing in the world to make changes. That's why we don't do it!

So here's the thing. I need to think about what I want with my life. And then I need to stop and look at everything I do. If it is not helping me get the life I want, I need to stop doing it/ get rid of it.

This isn't really a problem for me because I already don't do it but an example is watching TV. Is watching a few hours of TV a night adding anything to my life? There might be a few benefits to it- like being able to discuss it with other people, providing me with cheap entertainment and a way to "unwind." But is it actually making me happier or healthier? Is it bringing me any closer to my goals in life? No.

What are my goals? What do I want with my life?

1) To form and continue having healthy/happy/meaningful relationships with my friends and family

2) To finish and publish my writings

3) To get married

4) To have kids

5) To keep my weight under control and stay healthy/disease free

6) To get completely out of debt

7) To find and appreciate beauty and joy every day

8) To not fall back into depression

9) To figure out who I am and to be the best person I can be

I have a friend who just quit Facebook. And I applaud her for that. It was sucking time away from what she wanted to be doing. I'm not going to do that because I find that Facebook falls into goal #1, where it helps me maintain my friendships. If I see a friend who has written a few status updates saying how crappy their life is, I know it is time for me to reach out and send them an email or a card or call them or set up a playdate for us. Of course, it can also be a tool for wasting countless hours of the day- it all depends how you use it.

Time to bust out the machete and go to town cutting out the pieces of my life that aren't helping me.

fonts

Aye carumba!

It's fun to try to spell words for the first time. Things that you say all the time but never write. Like "aye carumba!"

I was discussing Facebook with my mom last night. She made the comment that status updates, as with any written communication, can be taken the wrong way because you don't know the tone and inflection that they are written in.

I said that emoticons have really helped with that problem. But she still wasn't having any of it.

And so I came up with a brilliant (if I do say so myself) solution. We should have different fonts that everyone agrees upon for different emotions. Most importantly I think there should be a "sarcasm" font. When you see anything written in this font, you know that the writer means for it to be taken sarcastically.

But you could have all sorts of different fonts: sarcasm, anger, sadness, irony, happy, bored, normal. It would really help cut down on miscommunications.

change is coming

Do you remember senior year of college? How there is that excitement because you are about to graduate and everything is going to be so different and new and your "real life" is about to begin?

Yet at the same time everything you do suddenly becomes sweeter? Checking your mail box (six times a day cuz you never know!) going to class, running into your friends in the bathroom at a party- you realize at the time how great these moments are because you know that they are almost over.

That's how I am feeling these days. There's a big change happening in my life. I've been feeling it coming for months now. And I am so excited for it. But that makes me appreciate the life I am living right now so much more. Each time I give a massage to one of my favorite clients I savor it, knowing that there will come a time in my life when I no longer get to give them massages. Right now, sitting around in my pj's on a Monday morning writing a blog entry at my parents' dining room table... some day I will look back and long for this moment.

When the heck did I become so sappy?

When did I become so happy?

Are they linked?

jokes

While doing all my cleaning I ran across a piece of paper that I had gotten inside a party popper that had two jokes on it. For some reason I felt the need to keep it? Yeah, well, here ya go:

Why did the baby foal take throat lozenges?

Because he was a little horse.

Who was the biggest robber in history?

Atlas- he held up the world.

new bedroom

I am pretty much done with my bedroom. It didn't turn out quite like I had imagined- but then again, I didn't have the $3000 I wanted to do exactly what I had planned. This is more "design on a dime" style. I still like it a lot better than my old bedroom.

Here are a few of the pics of my old room- I had to scrounge around until I found some.

This is Bubba, notice all the clutter and tons of colors that are taking over the background.

This was about half way through changing my bedroom when I had the new wall color but still had the old bedding. That comforter is from Crate & Barrel back in the 70s! They built stuff to last back then!

Starting to clear stuff out of the room but still a lot going on. Since this used to be the spare bedroom there was just a lot of crap in there- like all the old VHS tapes! Did you know that Vanna White was in a movie??

And here are some of the pics of my new room. Still needs a few finishing touches (a chair would be nice) but it is mainly done.

The view from the hallway.

My vanity. And a dresser so that my clothes aren't just sitting around in piles. There's a thought!

They say that you should have equal things on both sides of the bed and by doing that you are creating space for a partner to come into your life. The left side of the bed used to just be up against the wall. No room for anyone. Now there is lots of space. We'll see...

blah-blog

Oh Bloggy-blog, why don't you write yourself?

Don't you know that I don't have the time or patience for you today? I used up all of my patience at the post office this morning when they spent half an hour searching for my package only to send me home without it and then call me when I had already walked three blocks away to tell me that they finally found it and to come back for it.

Waaah, waaaah, waaaah.

It's a rough life.

My apartment (my floor of the two-flat house) is a disaster. You know how when you are cleaning, sometimes it has to go into that much dirtier/ messier phase before it becomes really clean? It's in that stage. My sister, who came up here the other day, made a comment to me that I need to have my apartment cleaned by Christmas. By Christmas? I was planning on having it thoroughly cleaned by the end of next week. But I took that as a hint and am working on getting it spotless.

But I knew all my faithful readers needed an update of my doings. I haven't forgotten about you. I'll write again when I actually have something to say.

status updates

Facebook is getting to me. Not only do I check it every day but I now also find myself constantly creating status updates/tweets in my head.

I don't post them, because I don't want to be the obnoxious person who has to post every single thought that they have but I definitely think them. All the time. I guess the reason that I have noticed it more is because instead of them just being my thoughts, they are my thoughts in the third person.

For example, when I am showering I will have the thought, "Nicolette wonders where all the hot water went?"

Or as I was painting last night, "Nicolette's new bedroom reminds her of a Tiffany's box."

I know this is weird, but am I the only person who does this? Are we going to have a whole generation of children growing up thinking in the third person?

bad idea

I'm redoing my bedroom. It's about time. I've never really been the one to decide what my bedroom looks like. That's not entirely true. I'm an adult and I can decide these things but I've always just settled for whatever cheap furniture and crap I could find around the house. Now I am actually putting in the time and energy to have a bedroom that looks the way that I want it to.

Right now the only things that are in my room are my bed and a desk and the desk is going to be leaving as soon as I find someone to help me carry it- that thing's heavy!

So I'm following the advice that I saw on Oprah- you should only put things in your bedroom that you LOVE. I am clearing away the clutter and I am going to have a bedroom that is grown-up and adorable.

And I am keeping my computer in the dining room instead of letting it come back in the bedroom.

Much more zen that way.

So I've been painting my bedroom. My bedroom always seems small until you start to paint it and then it suddenly seems huge and like you will never be done.

I'm sick of painting and my back hurts but I want to be done so I've decided to push through and finish it tonight. I was about to take the lid off the paint again when I thought, "Do you know what would be nice right now? A glass of wine." Except that I would have to open a new bottle and so we all know it would not be ONE glass of wine.

Anyways, I resisted. Because you don't have to be a genius to figure out how combining wine and me painting would have ended up! See, I'm not an idiot all the time.

fun fact

Your fun fact of the day... did you know that Hello Kitty has a twin sister named Mimi??? As someone who was sort of obsessed with Hello Kitty growing up, you would think I would know this. Mimi looks just like Hello Kitty except she wears her bow over her opposite ear. Mimi likes to do housework and sewing, whereas Hello Kitty is more of a tomboy. I swear, I am not making this stuff up.

fall cleaning

I know typically people wait for spring to do the big, whole house cleaning but I think fall is a good time too. Time to switch out the shorts for the sweaters. Also apparently time to go through decades worth of stuff in the attic and closets.

So far my mom and I have gone through two closets, half the attic and two dressers.

And can I tell you something? It feels really good to throw stuff out. I'm a really big packrat and have a hard time throwing stuff out. That purple and white striped funky shirt that I picked up at Goodwill and have never worn? But what if I need it someday for an 80's costume party?

I've been doing a pretty good job today. I even just threw out one of my favorite pairs of jeans. They don't fit me... not even close... so you would think it would be sort of easy to throw them out. But what if I get down to a size six again- I would totally want these! I battled in my head for about a minute and finally decided to give them away. Like all the clothes that I give away I checked the pockets first... and found five bucks! I decided it was Fate's way of rewarding me for making the right decision!

This cleaning binge feels different than a regular one. I don't feel like I am just dusting and mopping and sorting. I feel like I am cutting some of the ties that were holding me back and creating room in my life for new, better stuff to come in.

Alinea

On Saturday night to celebrate my father's birthday we went out to dinner. But not just to any old restaurant- we went to Alinea.

It is sort of like saying that I went to Carleton College. Those people who know about the college are impressed, everyone else says, "Okay, so you went to a small college in Minnesota, big deal!"

People who know about Alinea are definitely impressed that we went, other people think "So you went to fancy restaurant in Chicago. It's just dinner."

It was not just dinner. It was an experience. Alinea was at one point ranked the 10th best restaurant in the world.

So what is it about the restaurant that made it stand out? Impeccable service. Perfect presentation. Delicious foods. Creative foods. Original foods. Foods that surprised you and delighted you. Using all of your senses to experience the food.

Instead of just thinking about it as food, I prefer to think of it as art. Which it is. It is art that I get to eat.

There were twenty-four courses. Which isn't as ridiculous as it sounds. (Except that of course, it is.) Many courses consisted of only a single bite. Occasionally the courses were served together if they happened to compliment each other. The whole thing took over four hours. You left full, but not uncomfortably so.

What were my favorites? The brioche (sort of like a croissant) that was made of foam. Foam is hugely popular these days as anyone who watches Top Chef, or the like, knows. How do they do that? It was foam. Whipped, light, frothy foam. Yet it tasted like bread.

There was one thing that was served on the end of a twig. A real twig, that had leaves on it. And they lit the leaves on fire so that they smoldered a bit and let out that "burning leaves smell" which is so heavenly in the fall.

Who even thinks to do that? And instead of it being cheesy or crazy, it is just impressive and fun.

I definitely couldn't eat like that every day- maybe once a year or it would become too routine.

But if you enjoy fine dining and happen to have a crap load of money laying around, it is something that you should definitely experience once in your lifetime.

This was a dish that they served on a "pillow" that was made of lavender scented air that slowly deflated while you ate.

It is hard to tell from the picture but there are four dessert dishes here. The main one that is on the napkin is one of his signature dishes. I believe it is called Bubble Gum and you actually suck it out of the straw.

Those were sprigs of rosemary that were our centerpieces for most of the evening. One of our later courses actually used them in a dish where each of us had a hot slab of stone that our meat was cooking on and there was a hole in the rock where the rosemary sat and heated up and released its fragrance.

Those are just a few examples of the ridiculousness of this lovely restaurant.

special day

Today is October 15th which is a very special day. It is the start of Carleton's basketball season, which I have to admit, doesn't really mean that much to me. But it is also Jamie's birthday!

Happy birthday, Pookie!

I love you!

what is cool anyways??

Every now and then I wish that I was "cooler" and trendier. I see these hipsters rockin' down the street in their tight ass pants. I see people who really make a devotion to their "look." And then I look down and see my jeans and Sambas. I could definitely try harder, it's true.

But then I have this thought... how lame is it to dress like other people just so that you can seem cool??? It is so much cooler just to be yourself, even if being yourself means that you wear a t-shirt every day.

So maybe I'm not cool, but at least I'm not trying to be something I'm not.

The Bell Jar

Reading a story about a girl's descent into mental illness and her attempts to commit suicide that is written by an author who went on to commit suicide a month after the book was published is a really intense experience.

paths to follow

As much as I claim not to have been impressed by the book Siddhartha, there are parts of it that have stuck with me weeks later. Isn't that the sign of a good book?


The most insightful thing that I've learned was that everyone has to follow their own path and you can't choose it for them, even if you don't think it is the right path.

That's an easy thing to say, but a hard thing to put into practice.

Especially when you see people making what you think are huge mistakes. Sure, you can give them your opinions and advice but when it comes down to it, they sometimes need to learn things the hard way. It's their life. And people aren't going to live the lives that YOU think they should live, they are going to live the lives that they want to live.

I just want to say thanks to my parents for letting me be me. Sure they forced me to do some stuff like take piano lessons and play on the soccer team even when I hated the girls on the team, but they also let me be me.

I have a friend who asked me what I would do differently from my parents when I raise kids. I'm sure there are things I would do differently, but I hope to be as accepting as my parents were. Of course, maybe I was just their sixth kid and they had given up! :)

gray skies

How can gray skies make such a big difference on my attitude? Every other factor can be the same- same temp, same amount of wind, same place- yet if the sky is gray instead of blue, I just feel like crap.

Does the amount of light really make that much of a difference? Is it psychological?

Blaaaaaaaaah!

random emails rock

I hereby declare this week to be random email week. How great is it when you get a random email from a friend that you haven't heard from in years just out of the blue?

It's awesome. So now it is your turn... go write someone you haven't talked to in a while an email.

Go! Do it! If you are reading this blog it means that you have nothing better to do anyways!!!

will I become another statistic of this poor economy?

What to write about today? Let's write about the fact that I may be losing my job. The horror! It is nothing definite yet but the spa has been struggling for quite some time and is in some danger of closing. The bosses actually sent out a mass email to our client list that basically said that in this tough economy the spa has been hard hit and if it continues like this that the bosses would have to make some "tough decisions."

My brother thought this was terrible marketing. After they sent it out though, the phones started ringing and we started booking up. Hopefully this will last for more than just a week. We also received tons of really sweet emails back from people telling us how much they loved the spa.

How many times have you gone by a place and noticed it was now closed and said, "Damn! I loved that place! If I had known it was struggling I would have gone there more or sent my friends there!"

So we'll see. Maybe the spa will pull through.

Would it be the worst thing in the world if I lost this job? Yes and no. I'll never find another job like it again. My coworkers are amazing. The staff is incredibly supportive. It is a healthy and fun place to work. I love my job.

But there are lots of massage jobs out there and I still have my private clients and it could be just the push I need to finally start focusing on writing like I keep saying I want to do.

I don't want to still be working at the spa ten years from now (not full time anyways) but how do you quit a job that you absolutely love?

Now maybe I won't have to. Maybe the decision will be made for me. Maybe the fates have been reading my blog and know that I need a little kick in the butt to do something more with my life.

That was actually one of the other things that the tarot card reader said to me. She told me that I was "half-assing it." She told me that my life was fine and that other people might be happy with it but that I would never be happy with it since I was just half-assing it and that I could and should do more.

I hate it when people are right.

the clutz

When I was growing up one of my favorite books was Megan The Klutz. It was about a girl who was extremely clumsy but who still managed to win a beauty pageant. I don't remember what the beauty pageant had to do with anything but still the book really resonated with me because I am extremely clumsy.

Seriously.

It's embarrassing. In college my best friend would count the number of times that I fell during a soccer game. Not the number of times that I collided with another player. No, I would be all by myself and would just fall over.

It's sort of the story of my life. When I was little we ate dinner together as a family every night, or practically every night. One of my chores was to set the table. I would start by putting out the place mats. My older sister Sam wanted to know why we had to use place mats and couldn't have a tablecloth like her best friend's family used. My parents had to explain to her that it was easier to wash place mats and that I spilled too much stuff to use a tablecloth. My family actually cheered me when I made it through an entire meal without spilling something. This wasn't until I was about nine years old.

Today I sliced my thumb open while doing dishes when a steak knife slipped. Yeah. Can you say ouch?!? I immediately started sucking my thumb- a) to stop the bleeding and b) to stop myself from screaming.

Then I remembered hearing that you have more bacteria in your mouth than any other place in your body so was sucking my open wound really a good idea?? I decided that I didn't care. Plus, sucking my thumb felt really nice. I understand why little kids do it.

Thankfully my boss was able to rearrange the schedule so that I don't have to come in to work today. I use my thumb a lot during massages, plus I didn't want to bleed on clients (that is frowned upon) nor did I want to get oil in my open wound.

What I've realized is that I really use my right thumb for pretty much everything that I do. Thankfully you don't really need it for typing though!

The cut doesn't look like much so when my boss sees it on Thursday she will think I am full of it but it was super scary when it happened. My hands are my livelihood- I can't afford to have something happen to them. I can't afford to be a clutz. So I think I have to options- either stop being a clutz or just stop washing the dishes!

tarot card reading

One of the things I did on my birthday was to go get a tarot card reading. I don't fully believe in them, but I don't fully disbelieve in them either. I believe there are people out there who are clairvoyant and have actual psychic abilities. The woman I saw was not one of them.

I wouldn't normally be willing to spend the money on getting a tarot card reading but it was my birthday so all caution was thrown to the wind.

The real reason we went was to see the guy who had read our palms before. His name was John and he had an aura sac. What is an aura sac? It's the nice term we have given to the huge fold of skin that goes from his belly button down to his knees! As you can imagine, it is hard to find clothes to handle that so his outfits are pretty interesting. And he smells bad, I don't think he is washing underneath that thing! It's possible that he lost a lot of weight, like maybe he used to be 500 pounds and now is only 300, and so has some extra skin. It's possible that he just has ginormous balls. We really don't know what it is, all we know is that it is really hard not to stare at it especially when your other choices are staring at his blackened teeth and fingernails.

But John is the kind of person that you WANT to tell your fortune, not the normal girl we had on my birthday. What's the fun in that? Normal = blah!

She didn't tell me anything very insightful. The one thing that she repeated about six times was that my lovelife sucks. Thanks. I got the point.

She said, "Money, career, family, that stuff's all fine, ah! but your love life... this is no good. Money will rise and fall but you will never starve. But this love life is terrible. This is not how it is supposed to be. You are bitter. Something happened in your past relationships that has made you bitter. And you have missed out on things that you were supposed to have now."

She also said a bunch of stuff that didn't really apply to me. Plus some generic stuff like, "You are worried about someone." Really?

It's a fun thing to do every now and then but I am not going to plan my life around what they say.

birthday moment

One of my favorite birthday moments yesterday was when my mom called me and left a message on my voicemail.

She told me that she was at my sister's house, re-wallpapering the front entry way and she follows this up by saying, "So I guess you could say that I'm 'laboring' on your birthday again!"

Ba-dum-dum!

I also am going to take this time to point out that each successive childbirth does not necessarily get easier. I was my mother's sixth child and I was the most difficult birth she had! That was because I was head first, but facing the wrong way. Sorry, Mama!

happy birthday to me

So this is what it feels like to be thirty...



... it feels pretty awesome if I do say so myself.



I still remember when I turned 13 years old. I remember being excited that I was officially a teenager and I remember looking in the mirror that day to see if I looked any different. Nope.



And my thirty-year-old self looks just like my twenty-nine-year-old self. Which is fine with me. I would kind of have hated to wake up and suddenly looked a lot older, ya know?



I expected to be upset about turning 30. I remember back when I was 23 and I had all these things that I wanted to accomplish before I was 30. I didn't accomplish all that many of them. Oh well. I think that is part of growing up- you realize that your life path changes and you don't have to get worked up and upset because your dreams have changed. That's how life works.



So what have I learned in the last 30 years?



I've learned that:

1) red wine goes with everything

2) so does chocolate

3) a few really good friends are worth more than a hundred artificial friends

4) you should dance for at least five minutes every day

5) everyone has their own path to take and you can't choose it for them

6) 20/20 vision is so worth a couple of thousand dollars

7) dogs are better than cats

8) releasing the pectoral muscles and psoas will cure your back pain

9) listening to rap music makes me angry (not at the music, but it just brings out my violent tendencies)

10) we all make mistakes

11) energy work is really powerful stuff and is not some hippie nonsense

12) things are going to change. nothing stays the same. so if it is bad, just keep going, cuz it can't be bad forever

13) you have no idea what is going on in other people's heads- for example, I thought this member at the gym where I worked really didn't like me (he was rather grumpy) and then on my last day of work there (he didn't know it was my last day) he made a comment to me about how I was the best employee there and how he always looks forward to my smiling face because it is a good way to start his day

14) holding a grudge will make you miserable

15) drinking lots of water is the best way for me to avoid being sick

16) it's a lot easier just to tell the truth

17) my parents were right about a lot of things

18) I shouldn't drink caffeine after 2 PM or I will be up all night

19) it is worth being the annoying person who is taking pictures all the time, to have those pictures later

20) I should always trust my gut

21) you shouldn't feel bad if you set goals for yourself, like coming up with 30 things that you have learned in the last 30 years, and then give up at 21. that's okay. it's not going to affect your life negatively

note to self

Eating all the brownies in the house so that there will no longer be any brownies in the house to tempt me is not really an effective dieting strategy.

magic

So, I guess it is about time that I let you guys know this... I'm magic. I've always had an inkling that I had some magic abilities but this weekend I proved it.

On Friday I was talking to my boss Jenny G. and she asked me where my client Tracy was. Normally I work on Tracy every Sunday but she hadn't been in to the spa for over a month. We discussed it for a few minutes and then I left. Jenny called me an hour later to tell me that Tracy had just called to schedule an appointment!

So yesterday I was joking around with Jenny that we obviously need to just concentrate really hard on a person and that will get them to call up and schedule a massage. So we were talking about some of my regular clients that I hadn't seen in a while.

So Jenny asked who we should concentrate on, I told her that we should concentrate on Sarah from England and Jennifer the yoga instructor.

So I walked into work today and looked at my schedule. Guess who randomly called this morning and booked an appointment? That's right- Jennifer the yoga instructor.

Bam! I'm tellin' ya, I'm magic!

new word

Do you know what I love about the el? It keeps me feeling young and hip, like I really have my finger on the pulse of street culture.

A boy, who I am guessing was in his late teens or early twenties got on the el with me today and sat kiddie-corner behind me (or caddy-corner for all you weirdos!) and proceeded to have a phone conversation which was basically setting up a drug deal between him and "Fudge." "Fudge" is not pronounced just like the chocolate dessert, you have to make your voice deeper and draw out the "uh" as in "Fuuuuuuudge."

Anyways, when he was done with his conversation he said, "Excuse me?" And since I was the only person remotely near him, I looked over to see what he wanted. He continued, "Now, I don't want you to take this the wrong way... but girrrl, you are thick."

I'd like to convince myself that this was just a slang word for pretty but judging by the look he gave me I'm guessing he actually meant thick. As in, you have thighs as thick as tree trunks.

Why would a girl take that the wrong way? Let's just say that after the look I gave him, he did not try talking to me anymore.

another one checked off

I got another thing checked off my "to do before I die" list today. And no, it wasn't leave the house with no shoes on- though I did manage to do that too.

Bubba took me down to Montrose Beach to go paddle boarding- his summer job was renting them out so we had free access. I've been wanting to try paddle boarding but it wasn't on my list of things to do. The water was super choppy with crazy waves which was making paddle boarding really difficult. So what did we do? We ditched the paddle and went surfing instead!

I have always wanted to surf but I am terrified of being eaten by a shark or smashed on coral. Well, duh, go surfing in Lake Michigan- problem solved!

You might think it would not be possible to go surfing in Lake Michigan, but you would be wrong. Hard core surfers would not have been impressed with our waves but they were perfect for a beginner like myself.

And can I just tell you that I actually got up on my very first attempt?!? I'm a rock star.

I think I need to reread that list because doing things on it (getting Lasik, going surfing) are really fun and have made my life better.

oh no you didn't!

I don't typically comment on current events in my blog but I had a few thoughts to share on the whole Kanye West/ Taylor Swift fiasco.

For those of you who live under a rock, what happened was that during MTV's video music awards Taylor Swift, a sweet 19 year old country singer won for having the best female video. She got up to give her acceptance speech only to have Kanye West rush the stage, grab the microphone and go on about how Beyonce (one of the other nominees in that category) really had the best video.

What Kanye did was inexcusable, we don't need to talk about that, we all agree on that.

What I was thinking though is that this is probably the best thing to ever happen to Taylor's career. Her video was actually adorable and I have been rocking out to it on YouTube for the past couple of weeks. I understand why it won. I think she is actually very talented. But I think there were a lot of people out there who didn't know who she was. Think of how many more people have watched her video now after hearing about this fiasco than would have ever watched it otherwise. And she has the sympathy of the entire nation. People are going to remember her.

The second thing I want to say about it is that a bunch of reporters were talking to the President about it and asked his opinion and Obama said that Kanye was a "jackass." I have the feeling Obama will probably take some heat for saying that, but how low does that make Kanye feel? To have people in the media talk about you being a jerk is one thing but can you imagine having the President of the United States call you a jackass? Ouch.

dreaming en francais

Can I tell you the coolest thing? I've been dreaming in French the last couple of nights.

What can I compare that to? It's like a former college basketball star who is now really out of shape who goes to shoot the ball around and who nails a couple of 3-point fade-away jump shots in a row. You think to yourself, "That's right! I've still got it!"

My French skills are obviously not as good as they were when I was actually living in France but it is nice to know that I haven't lost them completely.

The first time I ever dreamed in French was when I was living in Pau, France my freshman year of college. In the dream the other people in the dream were speaking French and I was saying "Quoi? Je ne comprends pas." What? I don't understand. Still, it was in French, and it was coming from my brain, which was awesome.

card shopping

So I stopped into my local Paper Boy the other day. As soon as I stepped inside I was greeted by a very nice young man.

Guy: Is there anything I can help you find?
Me: Nope, just looking for a card.
Guy: What kind of card?
Me: A birthday card.
Guy: For a friend? A relative?
Me: For my brother.
Guy: Older? Younger?
Me: Older. He is turning 32.
Guy: That's a good number. Is he a lumberjack?
Me: (laughing) No, he's not a lumberjack.
Guy: That's too bad. We have the perfect birthday card for a lumberjack.

So what makes this story really funny is that it turns out that the guy didn't even work there!

show off

My ego/pride is going to be the death of me.

I was out running today and was finishing it off by doing some stairs over on the sledding hill and was just about done when this couple came to run up the hill. They were very out of shape and were obviously just starting to try to get in shape. They stood at the bottom of the hill for a full minute before they started just staring at the hill as though it was their mortal enemy.

And that's when I got my second wind (or really my first wind because I was dragging ass up until this point) and starting sprinting up the stairs. Showing off. I did about twice as many sets as I usually do.

I have the feeling (especially because my legs are still shaking a little as I write this) that I am going to really regret this tomorrow.

All because I had to show off. Would have served me right if I had totally tripped while running up those stairs.

it's not the size that matters

Have you ever seen any of your old baby clothes and thought to yourself, "Did I ever really fit in that? I can't imagine myself ever having been that small!"

That's sort of how I feel when I look at my size 8 jeans.

I've been working out a ton lately but all those squats, stairs and lunges have made my ass bigger. It's stronger, tighter and firmer which is great, but it is also defintely bigger. You work out your biceps, you get bigger biceps. You work out your ass, you get a bigger ass. Not that I'm complaining... boys like a little junk in the trunk. But unless I stop working out and just starve myself, I will never be able to fit back into those jeans.

Eh. Who cares? Goodbye size 8s, may you rest in peace.

bloggers

I've gotten over my hatred of the word "blog." The word really used to bother me. Probably because it begins with the sound "blah!" I would even call this my website instead of my blog. I'm over it. I am a blogger. I blog, therefore I am.

I was reading over this woman's shoulder the other day on the el. It looked like she was doing some assigned reading for a grad school class. The article was about blogging and how bloggers are happier than non bloggers.

It made me stop and wonder if that is really true. It also made me wonder what class she was taking.

The reason bloggers were supposedly happier is that through blogging they felt more connected with the world.

I don't know about that. I think it is probably true. I guess I feel more connected with the three or four people that actually read my blog. And if I had some crazy popular blog with a huge following then I would feel more connected with the world at large.

I do know that it is therapeutic for me. Sort of like writing in a journal. And that is definitely beneficial for my mental well-being.

I kind of wish that everyone wrote a blog. I want to know all the stupid thoughts that go through people's heads.

I sat here and thought about that for a few minutes and changed my mind. Judging by some people's status updates on Facebook, i.e. "so sick and tired of the haters out there!" I probably wouldn't want to read their blog. But for most people I would like to. I guess it matters how they wrote their blog. Do they write it impersonally as if the whole world was going to read it so it must be p.c. and bland? Do they use it as a vehicle to vent about the crap that happens in their life? Or do they write it as if they really were writing in their journal? That's the stuff that I want to read.

enlightenment

I finished my book club book last night which meant that I had nothing to read during my commute on the el this morning. Well, that just wouldn't do. So I rummaged through my shelves til I found a book to read. I settled on Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. It is one of those books that I have no desire to read but it is on a bunch of "you should read this book" lists so I figured I should.

It's about this guy who is travelling around, meets Buddha, and is looking for enlightenment basically.

The book itself isn't doing much for me yet (only on page 76) but it did cause me to have this thought:

What if homeless people, instead of sitting around with nothing to do all day and being miserable because they are starving, looked at their lives a different way? What if instead of "doing nothing" they were meditating? What if instead of "starving" they were fasting?

In that way they could be so much closer to enlightenment than the rest of us.

And yes, I do realize that if I suggested this idea to a homeless person that they would be well justified in punching me.

let's be friends

Think about your friends for a minute. Why are you friends with these people? Because they are awesome, because they are funny, because they are smart. Right? Sure, but I think a big reason that people overlook is that you are friends because you came in contact with them. That is sort of a key step to becoming friends with someone.

Let's take college for example. My best friend and I met because we were both on the soccer team. But what if she hadn't played soccer her freshman year? We only had one class together our entire four years at school and that was because we finally chose a class our senior year just so we could be together. We lived in different dorms. We would possibly have never met. But because we did meet and I, therefore, was on her floor all hours of the day and night, I ended up meeting her roommate Dotty who is a very good friend of mine now and Dave who lived down the hall and who I ended up dating for a few years and David who was a SWA for that dorm and is now my penpal. But to become friends with these amazing people, I first had to meet them. That's sort of how it works.

When I first joined Facebook I was only "friends" with people that I was legitimately friends with in real life. But I don't think that is the point of Facebook. So nowadays I will befriend acquaintances that I like and that I wish I knew better. And Facebook is a nice, non-invasive way to do that.

I've come to know more about some of those acquaintances and realized that if we had ever actually gotten to know one another, we would be really good friends. I can just tell.

I met my friend's wife for the first time at their wedding. Yet we had heard a lot about each other through her husband. I thought she summed it up perfectly when she said, "If we only knew each other, I think we would be really good friends."

I've started hanging out with some girls from high school this past year. Notice how I didn't say friends from high school. We were not friends in high school. I met them for the first time at our 10 year high school reunion. And I adore them. There is no reason for us not to have been friends back in the day. Maybe if I had had a class with them back in high school or been on a team with them we would have become friends back then. And yet, we probably walked by each other in the hallways a million times. They were right there.

Just think about how many potentially awesome friends you have missed out on. That girl who sat on the bus next to me last week, maybe she would have become my best friend if we had started talking. The guy behind me at Chipotle last month, maybe he would be my boyfriend now if I had said hello.

Granted, meeting someone isn't a sure fire way to guarantee that you will become friends. I've meet plenty of people that I don't like.

But not meeting them pretty much stops you from becoming friends.

I don't know. In some ways it makes me a little sad knowing that I was potentially so close to meeting these awesome people. But mainly it just makes me happy knowing that there are still so many awesome people out there that I could end up being really great friends with. And, of course, I am thankful for the wonderful people that I did meet and that I am friends with. Love you guys!

quotes

I love quotes. I think my love of quotes started in high school. My sophomore year English teacher and I didn't get along that well, until the very end of the year. I can't remember why we didn't get along or why we suddenly clicked but we ended up being good friends. For the next two years I would visit her class in the mornings before school. She would put a quote on the board every day. She let me go through her big box of quotes and choose one. Occasionally she had specific ones that she wanted that tied into whatever her class was reading but usually I got to pick whatever struck my fancy.

It's because of teachers like her that I occasionally think about going back to school and becoming an English teacher. And then I remember what all my friends who have either become teachers or tried to become teachers have told me about their experiences. You don't just get to teach prospective Carleton students who love to read and learn. You have to teach the pesky little students too. The ones who don't want to be there and want to make your life a living hell. No thanks.

Where was I going with this? Sorry, I am very hung over right now. Quotes. Right, quotes. My new favorite quote that I ran across a few months ago and that has really stayed with me is:

"Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it all back again."

It's so true. I have so much to lose. I have my health, I have my family, my friends, my teeth, my looks, my athletic ability, my house, my job, my possessions, my safety, my security, my brain.

I would hate to lose any of that. So who cares if I didn't win the huge lotto jackpot on Friday? I've still got an amazing life.

recipe for disaster

Um, so I was going through some of my old notebooks trying to find this scene I had written for my book a few years ago. I didn't find it, but I did find some other things that I had written and forgotten about.

Some of the things I had written were kind of funny. Some were insightful. Some were poems. Some were stories. Some were just random sentences. This one was obviously written when I was not in a happy place. I don't remember writing it but it is in my handwriting. I have to laugh when I read it because it is a little ridiculous. I don't think that was the reaction I was going for when I wrote it, but then again, I don't remember writing it, so maybe it was. Without further ado, here it is:

Recipe for Disaster

In a bowl, mix all your hopes and wishes and dreams
Whip until bright and fluffy and full of light
Now add in a boy
Mix until the love surrounds everything

Now add:
2 Tablespoons of mean
1 empty message pad from when he never called
1 cute outfit that you never wore because he never showed up
2 ounces of forgetfulness

Add a half cup of pain
1 cup of hurt

In a seperate bowl bring four gallons of tears to a boil
Slowly stir in disappointment and pride and simmer for many days
Add enough salt to cover all your wounds

Shread your old love letters
Seperate the words that were true from those that were a pack of lies

Add a dash of bitterness
Now beat until the light in your eyes fades to a dull glow
And you've got yourself a broken heart

books

Hi everyone!

Guess what? This is my 100th blog post! How exciting. I can't believe I am at 100 posts already. I guess I had a lot to say. Not a lot of important things to say, but still, a lot to say.

So what to blog about on this historic post? I guess I'll just blog about what I was going to blog about before I realized that it was my 100th post.

Books.

I love books. I can't even begin to tell you the role that books have played in my life.

I once complained that my parents didn't read to me as a child, because I can't remember it. They were actually upset when I said that. Apparently I was the most well read to child ever. I don't remember it at all. I can't tell you what my favorite book was when I was four years old. (Isn't it sort of sad that we put so much effort into raising these toddlers/ small children and they aren't even going to remember it when they grow up!?!)

The first book that I remember being read was The Happy Hollisters. My sister Chris would read it to me before bed. I LOVED it. So much so that when we were finished with that first book I read the entire rest of the series by myself.

When I was in fifth grade our teacher read us A Wrinkle In Time. It seems like fifth grade is a little old to still be being read to but it is one of my fonder memories and it really helped our class calm down.

I was joking that when I had my Lasik eye surgery done that my sister could read me a book that night since I wasn't supposed to be using my eyes. She didn't. Why is it that we don't get read to as adults anymore? Probably because it is a pain in the butt for the reader and we can just do it ourselves. But I miss it.

My then-boyfriend Matt and I were driving from Minnesota to Chicago and it is about a seven hour trip. I HATE to drive so Matt made me a deal that if I would read aloud to him (we were both reading the new Harry Potter book that had come out) that he would drive the whole way. So I did. By the way, it is really hard on your voice to read aloud for that long. And there were a lot of words in the Harry Potter series that I did not know how to pronounce. I just made up my own words.

Books are awesome. My sister asked me the other day how I felt about Kindle. In principle I know it is a good idea. Better for the environment. A space saver. Convenient. But it still just feels so wrong. Because it isn't just reading that I love, it is actual books. I love the feel of the cover. I love the heft of the weight in my hands. I love the smell of the book. I love how they get faded and "well loved looking" in time. I love how you can see how far along you are by seeing how many pages are left. I love that you can burn them as fuel when you start getting cold. I love to see it sitting on my night stand, like a friend waiting for me. I love books.

snoozing

Do you know that feeling where you aren't necessarily super tired but you don't want to get out of bed yet because your body is just so dang comfortable? Your muscles are completely relaxed, you are the perfect temperature, you don't have to pee and the sheets and blankets feel so soft? You are so happy and you don't want to get out of bed quite yet and then you realize that you don't have to?

Yeah, that's the best.

Happy Tuesday!

the path not taken

What is your biggest regret in life?

They say that often times the things you regret the most are the things you DIDN'T do, not the things you did do.

I would say that my biggest regret is not going to Mali, Africa on the study abroad program in the winter of my junior year of college. I was already going to Paris, France that spring and it just seemed like too much time away and too much money. I wish I had gone. What a wasted opportunity. I daydream about calling up Cherif and asking him if I can tag along with the current students the next time he goes.

How would it have changed and influenced me? I'll never know. But every decision we make ends up changing us in some way or other.

Had I gone to Cornell instead of Carleton I would have had a completely different life. I never would have met Jamie. I would have taken soccer much more seriously. And I probably wouldn't have been a French Major. It would be interesting to see how my life had turned out if I went to Cornell, but I don't regret my decision to go to Carleton. Not for a second.

Nor do I regret the relationships I've had. I don't regret having them (because I learned something from each of them) nor do I regret ending them because they weren't right for me.

I could be living in Minnesota, married with children right now. That could be my life. I'm glad it's not. That just wasn't for me. (For all my Minnesotan readers, I am not knocking it, it just wasn't for me!)

I could be married to a Chicago cop, seeing him become more and more bitter as the years wore on. No thanks.

I could be living the high life in New York. Never bored but never a moment's peace. Nope.

I don't have any regrets in regards to my relationships. Ya know why? Because I tried them. I gave them my all. I don't have to wonder what would have happened if I had just been more patient or tried a little harder. I tried as hard as I could.

I'm working on my novel writing skills right now. It is something that I've wanted to do since I was about eight years old and though it may not amount to much, I don't want to regret not giving it a serious try. I don't want to look back in twenty years and wonder, "what if?"

That's my new goal in life. I never want to have to wonder, "What if?"

"in love" vs "love"

Have you ever been in love?

I was talking to one of my favorite coworkers the other day and discovered that she has never been in love. Say what?!? With some people that wouldn't come as a surprise. I would just think to myself, "Yeah, you're ugly and I don't like you. I can see why you've never been in love." But my coworker is AMAZING. And pretty and loving and lovable. So it came as a shock to me that she has never been in love.

She has been in relationships and has loved people but has never been "in love." And I think there is definitely a big difference. I love my parents but I'm not in love with them. I loved my dog but I wasn't in love with him. I love my friends but am not in love with them.

We are surrounded by movies and songs and books that talk about love and being in love. We are bombarded with it. To the point where if you haven't been in love you start to ask- well why not? What's wrong with me? Am I incapable of falling in love?

I think everyone is capable of falling in love. But you do need the right person. You can't force it. Speaking as someone who has done their fair share of dating (no comments from the peanut gallery) you don't fall in love with everyone you date, not by a long shot.

But should you date someone you aren't in love with? I realize those feelings of being "in love" can fade but shouldn't you have them at some point?

I've seen marriages where two people come together who love each other and then years later the marriage falls apart when one of them meets someone else and falls "in love." And while I was angry at the guy at first for throwing his marriage away, I can't say that I totally blame him. He had never been in love before. Until he met this new woman he didn't even know that he could feel this way. But now that he knows that he CAN feel this way, how is he supposed to be happy with what he and his wife had?

Being in love is a really strong and powerful feeling. And I don't think it is necessarily just the excitement and newness of the relationship that makes it seem so strong, but it is an actual different feeling than simply loving someone. Not that love should be underrated. Love is amazing. Love is powerful. But being in love is like love on heroine. It's intense. It's something that I think everyone should experience. It's awesome. It's a pretty valid legal defense: "I know that my actions were ridiculous, your Honor, but I was in love!"

shop local

Oak Park has a ton of little shops and restaurants. A ton of shops and restaurants that typically fail after a year or two, that is. Though, to be fair, most of these shops close because they have ridiculous hours. You are only open on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays from noon to 5 PM and you wonder why you aren't getting any business? Or the restaurants that close at 6 PM. WTF?

Yet, there are other business that have been around for decades and seem to be surviving if not thriving. Johnnies Italian Beef not only has lines out the door at all hours of the day, but they even have their own security guards. I still think they are a front for the Mob.

A few blocks from my house is a little supply store called Pieritz Bros. They sell pens, paper, notebooks. I often wonder how they have stayed in business all these years. I, personally, hadn't been inside the shop for years and have rarely seen people inside when I walk past.

The shop is cute. Adorable really. Like something out of Harry Potter. There are old fashioned type-writers in the window. My favorite part about the store is that they have signs in the window telling you to buy a pen. These change throughout the seasons. "Going back to school? Buy a pen!" "Buy a pen for your recent graduate!" "Mother's Day is coming. Buy Mom a pen!" Or my personal favorite, "Buy your mailman a pen!"

On a hunch, I decided to stop in to see if they have my favorite notebooks. Yes, I have a favorite notebook which I am actually quite superstitious about and which are impossible to find. They had them!!! And they had my pilot g-2. All in all, a most successful shopping venture. Plus, the guy was as nice as can be. He at first asked me if I was getting ready to go back to school. Then he asked me if I worked for a newspaper- at which point I was really tempted to lie and make up this elaborate fantasy life for myself.

Anyways, the point is, I need to make more of an effort to shop at the local little places because this place rocks and my town is better for having it.

all in the details

I think it is interesting how the little details can say a lot about a person.

Yesterday I was at Walgreens picking up my prescription when I saw a woman buying an ironing board. My sister likes to make fun of me because I don't even own an iron. And I have to admit, I like it that way. To anyone who has seen my extensive t-shirt collection, this will come as no surprise.

I also remember back to when my friend Jenny started dating her now-husband Peter. She was telling us what a great guy he was and then threw in, "And he doesn't even wear a watch!"

I've been working on writing a lot lately and I think it is important for me to remember that small details like that can say a million times more about a character (and say it better) than giving a two paragraph description about their attitudes and actions.

running

Do you know what my favorite part about taking up running again is? The delightful way that my thighs start to chaffe from rubbing together. That's lovely.

I now remember why I don't wear cotton shorts to work out in.

On a side note, I saw a guy running in khaki shorts yesterday. Who does that?

when will it wear off?

I keep waiting to just wake up one day and be like "So, I can see. What's the big deal?"

But it hasn't happened yet. I still wake up every morning and am amazed at the way I can see. I can't get over how pretty the world is. And not just the actual pretty parts- I ride past the ghetto on my commute and can't get over how detailed everything is.

My new favorite things are trees. I can seriously stare at them for hours. I got lost in the intricacies of the bark. I feel like I am on drugs where you can just sit and stare at your hand for an hour. Except I feel that way about the whole world.

This rocks!

what are you thinking?

People always ask me what I think about when I am giving massages. Sometimes I talk to my clients, like the math professor that I worked on two days ago that I talked to about calculus and when children start becoming modest about nudity. (Those two subjects were not linked, by the way.) Usually, however, I am silent so that my clients can fully relax and get lost in the massage.

That leaves me with a lot of free time. I try to be present and focus on my client's body and her energy. Now that I've been doing massage for so long (over six years) that all comes sort of naturally and doesn't require as much conscious thought on my part.

I notice things about my client's muscles like, "her tissue feels gluey like she is dehydrated. I bet she is dehydrated, grrr, I wish my clients drank more water. Their muscles release so much easier when they are hydrated and it makes my job so much easier, plus it makes me look like a better therapist."

Or I will notice things like "there are a lot of knots and trigger points in between her scapulas, that's usually a sign of hypertonic muscles. I bet the subscapularis is tight (move over to that muscle.) Yup, sure enough, hmmmm, I wonder if this is going to be too much pressure for her, I better say something just in case." So then I say something and check in with her and then I continue looking to see if the teres minor and major are tight and work the rotator cuff area, all the while noticing which muscles seem to be getting pulled and which are tight and how the client's body responds to the different techniques and then switch up the techniques if they aren't working.

It seems like a lot to be thinking about, but like I said, it is almost second nature to me now. So getting back to the question, what DO I think about?

Food. And this is true for almost every therapist I talk to. We think about food. What we are going to have for lunch or dinner. What we are going to buy at the store. What we are craving. We think about these things several times during the massages. If guys really think about sex as much as women think about food, then there are some dirty, dirty men out there!

The reason for this post is that yesterday I was thinking about something else. I was noticing my client's underwear. I would say that the vast majority of my clients don't wear underwear. There is nothing wrong with wearing underwear during a massage (I prefer to do it myself) but since a lot of my clients are coming from the steam room or hot tub where they were naked or had a bathing suit on and thus end up with no underwear. On a side note, panties are fine during a massage, but take the dang bra off! It is so hard to give a massage to someone who is wearing a bra because the straps cover the areas that tend to need the most work. And ya know what, nobody cares about your boobs. We don't look at your boobs (which are covered by a sheet anyways.) The only thing that massage therapists notice about your boobs is if there are fake or not. The way you can tell is if the boobs stay pointing directly up to the sky when a client is on her back, then they are fake because normally they fall out to the sides a bit.

Anyways, back to underwear. So if you were going to get a massage, what kind of underwear would you wear? Some people wear thongs, which makes sense because that way you are covering up less skin. I tend to go with more comfy pairs that I don't mind getting oil on (it washes out of cotton a lot better than satin.) But my client yesterday was wearing a pair of really cute red lace underwear. Adorable. Expensive. A little out of the normal for our totally laid back spa. Does she wear super cute underwear like that every day? Did she wear them knowing that other people (like the women in the locker room) would be seeing them? Was it her last clean pair?

That's what I was thinking about during my massage yesterday. That, and if my sister was going to be making stuffed peppers for dinner.

another happy entry

It's back... the chirpy optimism. The feeling that everything is right in the world. I've tried to tone it down on my annoyingly happy posts but I just can't help it. Life is so good.

Why do I feel the need to write about it? Because it continues to surprise me!

I have dealt with depression my entire life. Seriously, my entire life. I remember curling up in a ball and crying my eyes out when I was eight years old just because I was so sad. In high school with the crazy hormones, it got even worse. Then I made the mistake of going to Minnesota for college. Minnesota winters do not agree with me. It is such a miracle that I graduated on time seeing as how many times I ended up freaking out winter term and dropping a class. I remember one time going up to one of my teachers and just being honest, telling her that the paper I was supposed to write for class was not going to get done in time because right now it was taking all of my energy to keep the suicidal thoughts out of my head.

I've never even come close to committing suicide. I don't want to commit suicide. But there have been times when I've been depressed and the thoughts just kept hammering away at me. Luckily I've always had self control and I could rationalize with myself and find ways to cope and get through it. There was a point after college where not only was I depressed and not only were the suicidal thoughts taking over my mind, but I also felt like I was losing control.

I realized that all it would take was one minute of me not being in control and I might do something that I would regret forever. That was when I decided to go on medication.

I didn't like going on anti-depressants. In fact, I hated it. They made me feel weak. I was ashamed of them. Plus they raised my blood pressure and gave me horrible headaches. But they helped. They didn't make me happy. I was a little disappointed about that. I wanted "happy pills." With the ones that I was on, I felt the same feelings as before, but I felt in control.

I was only on them for a year and then I was able to wean myself off of them. I don't know if the change was physical or just psychological but I feel like I am a new person. I wish I had taken the medication back in high school. I think about all the relationships I ruined because of my crazy mood swings. I think about what college would have been like if I had been in control back then.

But no sense crying over spilled milk. I prefer to think about now. I prefer to think about the fact that I haven't had to deal with depression in God knows how long. I can't even remember the last time I felt depressed. This whole winter I kept waiting for it to hit. Waiting for the darkness to settle on my soul like a straight jacket. And it never happened.

I just feel so light and free... and happy. I think one of the things that I am really enjoying about being single right now is knowing that my happiness doesn't depend on another person. I control it.

I know some people who never deal with depression and have no idea what I am talking about. I know other people who know what I am talking about a little too well. Even when I was going through the worst of it, there were very few people that I talked to about it. It was my secret. My dark secret that was ruining my life.

Now that I'm not dealing with depression, I feel like I've been given a second chance at life. I feel like the world is mine for the taking.

That's why my posts can be annoyingly, blissfully happy at times. I just can't help it. I want to shout it from the roof tops: I'M HAPPY!

can't remember

My nephew Beck had something very exciting happen to him on our trip. He got his first loose tooth. He showed me, wiggling it back and forth.

He was very excited about it. And the prospect of the tooth fairy coming.

I know that I lost all of my baby teeth when I was a kid. And it wasn't scary because I knew that my adult teeth were coming in. I know that happened, but I can't really remember it.

It is so hard to imagine losing a tooth. So creepy. If one of my teeth got loose right now I would panic big time.

That is one of the things that scares me the most about getting old. I don't want to lose my teeth. Hopefully science will have figured out a way for me to keep my teeth until I am 102 years old (and yes, that is about how long the women in my family live to!)

Anyways, it is just interesting to think about things that give other people excitement that cause nothing but panic for me.

seventh grade

Like I said, I just got back from a week with my family, which included my niece Irene. I find it difficult to remember the kids' ages and grades. So I'm a bad aunt. Sue me. I remember their approximate ages and more importantly, I remember their names.

So I was asking Irene what grade she was going into. She told me seventh. I don't think she was expecting my response. I said, "Uggh! Seventh? Good luck with that. Seventh grade is the worst grade ever."

I felt bad about saying that so later I went back to clarify, even though she had not been upset when I said that. I told her that while I was in seventh grade I didn't think it was that bad, it is just that everything keeps getting better and better as you get older. In seventh grade everyone's hormones start to go crazy and they get all moody and backstab each other. She agreed and said she could already see it happening with her friends.

I am so thankful I am not going into seventh grade. So. Very. Thankful.

parenting tip of the week

I just got back from a week long vacation with my family in San Antonio. It was heaven. Good food. Good times. Surprisingly well behaved kids.

For those of you who don't already know, I have a very large family. I'm the youngest of six kids. Two of my sisters and one of my brothers are married with children. All together there were twenty-one of us living together this week.

It is interesting to see the different parenting techniques that my siblings use. I think they are all good parents but they are all different too.

My brother Mike and his wife Kelly have been taking a parenting class through their church. It's hard to say if the change in their daughter, Ella, is because of the parenting class or just because their daughter is 8 months older than the last time I saw her, or if it is because their daughter has had surgery to fix her very painful throat since the last time I saw her but the difference is night and day. I never saw the girl cry once. She is a happy little girl.

So I asked them what they learned at their class. The most interesting trick they learned was "couch time." Kids want their parents to be together. The kids are happier when you show them that your marriage is one of your priorities. The trick is simply to sit down on the couch, with the kids, and talk. Take time for one another.

I asked if sitting on the couch watching TV counted as couch time. Nope. Nor does making dinner together. Not even taking a walk together. The key is to not be doing anything else, just focusing on each other.

So what are the benefits of couch time? The kids are more secure in your relationship and that makes them happier, but the real benefit that the parents have found is that the kids no longer feel the need to come into the parents' bedroom at night. Often times the bedroom at night was the only place that the kids would see the parents together not doing anything else. Now that they had couch time the kids didn't need to come into the bedroom. My brother said that it worked right away. And then after a couple of days of not having couch time, their daughter started trying to come into their room again!

I like being the youngest- I get to see and learn from the mistakes and discoveries that my older siblings make.

secret to happiness

Do you want to know what the secret to happiness is?

Well, I'll tell you... all you need is meaning/ a purpose in your life. That's it. That's what it takes.

I think that is one of the reasons that religion is so popular. It's the idea that we were specifically/purposefully put here by some higher power and that automatically gives our lives meaning. If there is no god and we just evolved from single cell organisms, then what is the point? Why are we here? What are we doing? Why do we bother?

The idea that there is no meaning to us being here is terrifying. And so we've come up with the idea that God put us here. We still don't know why. We just figure that it is a hidden meaning that only God knows, but still, that there is, in fact, a meaning.

But on a less cosmic scale, we need meaning/a purpose in our individual lives. It doesn't have to be some grand thing. Sure, we can all agree that curing cancer gives your life meaning and makes you feel like you have a purpose. Does that mean that everyone who is not doing that is wasting their life? That everyone else is going to be unhappy?

No, you just need to find something that is meaningful to you. Maybe you find meaning in raising your children to be good people. Maybe you find meaning in helping your company run smoothly so that you can provide some sort of service to the public. Maybe you find meaning in being a janitor so that children have a clean, healthy place to learn. It can be anything, as long as you find meaning in it. Maybe you don't even like your job, but you can still find meaning in the fact that you are providing for your family.

So what's your purpose? Where do you find meaning?

On a lighter note-

Q) Why was the dolphin so sad?

A) He had no porpoise in life!