so this is what 35 feels like

I keep waiting to wake up one day and actually feel like an adult. I don't think it is going to happen, or at any rate it hasn't happened yet. I kept thinking... maybe when I turn 21. Nope. Maybe when I turn 25? Not at all. Thirty? Not so much. Maybe when I got married?

Right, so I'm a kid faking it in a grown-up world. Perhaps if I got a grown-up job and had a grown-up mortgage I would feel like more of a grown-up.

But what is being a grown-up anyway? I take care of my responsibilities and bills. I think about other people's needs and don't think the whole world revolves around me. I try to make the world a better place.

For some reason in my mind I equate having a boring office job with being a grown-up. But really, that is more about being an UNHAPPY grown-up!

I'm quite happy with the life I've chosen- hence why I chose it. And while having more money would make my life easier, it wouldn't necessarily make it better. So I stick by my decisions.

Though a funny moment did happen the other day. My mom, brother and sister and I were playing euchre and my mom looks at me and goes, "Wouldn't it be funny if you were the first person in our family to get their PhD?" We all turned to her with open mouths of shock. Realizing that what she said sounded somewhat insulting, she tried to backtrack. I knew what she was getting at. I was the flighty one who became a massage therapist as opposed to my siblings who got degrees in things like engineering or masters' in human resources- you know- things they could actually make a respectable living at.

If I do go on to get my PhD, I will make my mom call me "Doctor Nikki" every time she talks to me in retaliation for that comment. Which just goes to show how not grown up I am.

All this blah-blah-blahing about growing up is because I am turning 35 tomorrow. Which I'm not too excited about. Birthdays don't usually phase me but I always wanted kids before I was 35 and that didn't happen. The part of me that gets to go to bed in 20 minutes (when my laundry is done and why I am killing time by writing this until it is done) without having to take care of anyone or be disturbed by anyone is pretty glad that I don't have kids. But the deep down yearning is still there.

Can I be honest? I'm just in a bad mood because I sat on a wet seat on the el today and the wetness soaked into the pants I was wearing and was really, really disgusting. I tried not to let it ruin my night but things kept going wrong after that. So it's that more than anything that is making me all snippy tonight.

Turning 35 is wonderful. Some people never make it to 35. They are killed by illness or violence or tragic accidents. I am soooo lucky I get to turn 35 tomorrow. Every gray hair (or glitter strand as I like to call them) and every wrinkle is a gift.

And while I don't feel particularly grown-up, I do feel like I have learned a thing or two during my years here on earth. Mainly that kindness and gratitude are the most important things in the entire world.

I am grateful that I sat on the wet seat on  the el on my way HOME from school and not to school so that I was able to go straight home and scrub myself in the shower for 15 minutes straight and then wash my pants on high heat setting right away. I am grateful that I get to go to bed in five minutes and that I have a roof over my head and a comfy bed to lay in. I am grateful that I have the most incredible husband in the world. I am grateful that we are moving on to foot points during needling class tomorrow which are less scary than wrist points. I am grateful that I have friends and family who love me and I get to go out to dinner at least four times to celebrate my birthday! I am grateful I'm alive.

over-sharing

I had a horrible nightmare the other night, that I had written something completely personal and inappropriate and shared it on facebook. 

I know some people do that, but it is so not me. 

I actually let very few people in to my life. I probably SHOULD write super personal things on facebook. It would be good for me. Get me to share and open up. 

I was thinking about that today at school. I like my classmates. I talk to my classmates. But I only have one classmate that I am truly myself with, that I am willing to be vulnerable with. 

Fuck it. What's the worst that could happen if I let myself be vulnerable?

I could get hurt. That's what could happen. 

The best things in my life have come from being vulnerable- but the worst pain has come from being vulnerable too. I'm especially thinking of dear friends that I had who I never even speak to anymore- that's their doing, not mine. And it hurts. I'm sure they have their reasons, but it hurts. 

So I'm bitter at the world today. And I'm tired. And if we are being honest, I'm a tiny bit tipsy.                

I have a teacher that intimidates the fuck out of me. Speaks like seven languages and is crazy smart. And a thought occurred to me the other day, about how she goes home alone to a lonely apartment, and it probably isn't at all the life she had dreamed for herself. She is brilliant and accomplished but she has had disappointments in life too. Crazy how we are all just human when you get down to it. 

This has been a really hard year for me and I know my problems are nothing compared to some of my friends'. But I'm frustrated and feel alone. 

And I'm throwing myself a pity party. 

I know I could reach out to my friends and then I wouldn't feel so alone. But then I wonder why it has to be me that reaches out? Why does nobody ever think to reach out to me?

It makes me sad. 

But that's life, eh?

So I'll just suck it up and tomorrow will be better. 

In the meantime I will post some photos...

This is me and my sister when we washed an elephant.

God, that was YEARS ago, but it was still one of the coolest things I have ever done. 

This is more recently at Millenium Park in Chicago. 

I love the fountains there.

And I love the little girl in the wheelchair that was playing like all the other children and having a wonderful time. 

Seriously, how can I bitch and moan when I have it so good???

This was me studying for my finals at the end of last semester.

That was just the beginning.

The room got a WHOLE lot messier!

I finally went to the Mars Cheese Castle that is just across the border in Wisconsin. It has been on my To-Do List for YEARS and it finally happened. 

My husband is pretty adorable.

And we have lovely picnics, so that's something. 

Also we go to the beach/dunes in Michigan which is my happy place. 

The funniest part about going to the dunes/beach in Michigan is that they have a children's play area but all they have in the play area is a SAND box... at the BEACH!!!!

This is Squish, our hedgehog. He is a bad influence on me and makes me drink fancy beers.

Despite what you may be thinking, this photo is not posed. 

Mike took a photo of me enjoying my nap the other day.

It really was a heavenly nap.

Anyways, that's enough for one day.

Tempted to delete this whole post, but since nobody reads it anyways I will go ahead and leave it.