to worry or not to worry

Does worrying serve a purpose?

Bad things are either going to happen or they are not, but worrying about it just makes you unhappy for that much longer. You are worried and unhappy BEFORE the thing happens and then you are still unhappy when the thing DOES happen.

It isn't like if you worry about it, it suddenly doesn't suck when it does happen.

So shouldn't we just go around being blissfully happy until something bad DOES happen?

I'm not saying we shouldn't think about things. Like we should think about the fact that someone COULD break into our homes and we should try to protect ourselves. But should we worry every night about whether or not someone is going to try to break into our homes? That seems like a lot of stress over a possible nothing.

The only thing that I can possibly say in defense of worrying is that it prepares you. But I'm not sure how good of a defense that even is.

To be blindsided by something bad happening, to go from being perfectly happy to perfectly miserable... yeah, that is a big fall and it is going to be very hard to deal with.

But I contend that if something bad happens that it is going to hurt just the same whether I was happy before it or whether I had already made myself miserable in preparation for it.

So worrying is just robbing me of the potential happiness that I could have in the time before bad things happen.

I think we think that worrying makes us better people. More caring people because we are constantly worrying about bad things rather than enjoying life. Not worrying does not make you shallow and uncaring. Not worrying makes you appreciate the good things and not borrow trouble.

So I will just stop worrying. Right? That's how it works, right? I just make the decision to turn that off and I am done? Oh, you mean that's not how that works? I see.

Maybe I should worry about the fact that I can't stop worrying. :) See how fun this game can be?

mama mia!

Hello world.

It's been a bit of a stressful week. Or couple of weeks I guess. Work has been super busy which is great. Really. It is. I'm not complaining. Okay, I'm complaining a little bit. My body is beat to hell. I've had to ice my hands all the time. But I had a regular client today (regular to the spa but the first time I ever worked on her) and she told me that it was the best massage she ever had. Which made everything worth it.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I am also listening to Lady Gaga at the moment. And I'm not going to defend myself. I like her. And I am going to go see her in concert on Monday. And I bought her cd yesterday to prep myself for the concert. Cuz honestly, I don't know that many of her songs.

The bad news, and really the thing that is stressing me out, is that my mom is NOT doing well. The chemo and radiation is really hard on her body. She has dropped 40 pounds this year. Though that was mostly from the diet she was forced to be on- not from the cancer. Still, that's crazy. She didn't have 40 pounds to lose.

And then last week she was having issues with her left side shaking. At first they were worried that she was having a "mini stroke" but then they determined that there was a blockage in her carotid artery. So they did surgery, sorry, not technically surgery, they did "a procedure" today where they went into her fucking vein in her groin and then wound their way up to her neck so they could a stent in to open the blockage. It was 70% blocked!

Well, they did the procedure and found out that it was NOT 70% blocked. It was only 50% blocked. Which still sounds like a lot to me but apparently is not enough to warrant putting the stent in. So they didn't. It also means that this was NOT the problem that was causing her shaking and light headedness. So they still need to find the cause.

But the EKG this morning showed that she has another clot on her heart. So she is now on blood thinner medicine. And they don't know what is going to happen with the chemo and radiation and whether they will be continuing it now or taking a break.

So yeah, it's a big suck fest.

And I sort of am annoyed at my friends. If this was happening to one of my friend's moms I would be making a much bigger effort to be there for them. Just saying.

big steps

I did something sort of huge this week. It might not seem like much to you guys, but it was huge to me...

I let people read my writing.

I know what you are thinking, well, not really, if I could do that I would be rich and powerful. What I imagine some of you thinking is, "Um, you blog all the time. People already read your writing."

Which is true, but blog writing and fantasy novel writing are two TOTALLY different things.

I'm not just writing "for myself." I'm writing with the hopes of someday publishing it. Yet I don't want to let anyone read it? How exactly is that going to work, Nik? Exactly.

So I am in a writing class and this past week I volunteered to bring in a 5-10 piece writing sample for the class to critique. I handed it out last class and I get to hear their comments tomorrow. Everyone in the class is unbelievably nice so nothing mean will be said, but it is still a little bit nerve-wracking.

Even harder than that was sharing it with one of my friends. Several of my friends have expressed interest in reading it and I have not wanted to share it. It's not finished. Not that the novel isn't finished, but even the things that I have wrote are not "finished" they need touch-ups and reworking. And I don't want people to think I suck.

I'm finally to the point where I know that I CAN write this book and that it will turn out alright. But I don't want it to be alright. I want it to be awesome. And I'm still not to the point where I am awesome. But I think I can get there.

Anyways, I finally let one of my friends read it. And whether she was lying or not, she said all the right things to make me want to keep writing and not just hang my head in shame.

What is it about writing that is so hard and scary? I think that it is that you are putting a piece of your soul on the line for all the world to see... and what if they don't like it?

I'm very proud of myself for taking these first steps and I know that the more I do it, that the easier it will be, until I get to the point where I don't even think twice about it.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

creativity

Do you think creativity is a god-given talent or something that is learned?

To be perfectly honest, I've never really thought about it. I just assumed that everyone had the same potential for creativity. But I had a client (and she's not the first person to say it) tell me this week that she is just not a creative person.

If I can contend that musical talent and athletic talent is something that you are genetically predisposed to, then why is it so hard for me to think that creativity is any different? Is creativity a gift? Can you be "creatively talented?"

The more I think about it, the more I realize that it is something separate from intelligence. Or is it? A poor, uneducated mother can come up with many creative ways to get by and entertain her family. Does it come from necessity?

I'm not particularly artistic, or driven, or motivated, etc. But I am creative. Do I have anything to do with my creativity? Did I help develop my creative side? Or did I just luck out?

And on a side note, it's really f'ing cold in here. I could come up with several creative ways to warm it up but I think I will just sit here shivering and complaining.

finding happiness

I love seeing friends and family members take great strides in finding themselves and finding happiness. I can only imagine how awesome it must be to see your own children do that.

But especially when you have seen someone struggle for awhile (and even more so if they struggled with things that you struggled with, like depression, etc.) it is so inspiring/ rewarding/ pleasing/ satisfying to see them overcome it.

Depression isn't something that you magically wake up one day and make the decision to not be depressed and it is gone. It doesn't work like that.

But there are definitely things that can help combat it. And one of my friends recently figured out one of them. I had tried to explain it to them before, but I think like an alcoholic going into rehab, they have to be at that point where they WANT to do and are open to it and then it will click.

The secret, that my friend learned, is that lasting happiness comes from within. If you are dependent (for the love of god, why are you not spelled with an "a" dependent? I misspell you every time!) anyways, if you are dependent on outside sources, say a loved one, the weather/sunshine, getting validation from your boss, etc., to give you happiness... then your happiness is at their mercy. And that is just a recipe for disaster. You mood will go up and down based on what OTHER people do. You have no control. You are not living life. You are reacting to life.

Do something that you are proud of. Do something that has meaning to you. When you feel good about that, happiness will follow.

That's not to say you will be 100% happy all the time. There's not some mystical place called "Happiness" that you arrive at and stay.

"There is no happiness; there are only moments of happiness." -Spanish proverb

But hopefully we can have lots and lots of moments of happiness.

V day

Happy Valentine's Day!

I am torn between hating and loving Valentine's Day.

I hate the fact that it is so commercialized. I hate the fact that it is forced upon guys and they need a holiday to be reminded to do something nice for their significant other. (that's right, I am picking on guys and believe that women are superior and don't need reminding to do nice things.)

Mostly I hate that it seems to pick on single people. It is hard enough for a lot of people to be single, do they need to see this big love fest going on that they are not part of?

However, I kind of love Valentine's Day too. I love that I saw a guy carrying a four-foot tall, ginormous teddy bear on the el yesterday.

And I love valentines. Do you remember getting valentines as a kid? I remember, I think it was third grade, when we constructed little mailboxes to put our valentines into. And then we went around and passed them out. And just seeing a little mailbox full of valentines made me so happy.

Then of course you would rip into them to see who got the good ones and who got the lame ones. See who signed "love" and who signed "your friend."

Do you know what I miss the most? The little envelopes that valentines used to come in. You can't find them nowadays to save your life. Where's the fun in that? You used to have to open up a valentine, now you just flip it over to see who it is from. I guess I liked them because having to open them made them seem like presents. And we all know how much I like presents! :)

I suppose it IS a lot more environmentally friendly to do away with the envelopes, but sometimes I don't care about the environment. Not when it messes with my childhood memories!

Maybe next year I will start making my own valentines and sending them out.

That is the other good thing about valentines day--- taking the time to tell your friends and family how much you love them. (yes, I know we should do this all the time.)

My other favorite parts about valentines day were that we used to have these three heart shaped pillows that we would put out as decorations during February. I like little traditions like that.

Also, my father would give my mom and all of the kids a special present on Valentine's day. He would shop for it and pick it out himself. So it wasn't something that we asked for. And he put thought and energy into it. (whereas for Christmas and our birthdays it always seemed that my mom did the shopping.)

My favorite Valentine's present is probably still when he got me the Barbie Corvette. It was SWEET!

No matter what you do today, I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's day. And just know that I think that you rock!

doctor

Do other people have the same aversion to going to the doctor that I do?

Doctors are supposed to make you feel better. Instead they just stress me out.

Why is that?

For starters, I worry about how much my insurance will cover. Will going to the doctor set me back $1000?

And then I am worried that they will tell me I am a hypochondriac.

This summer when I went to the hospital because I was having trouble breathing, they just gave me a chill-the-fuck-out pill and chalked it up to a panic attack. To be fair, I told them that I might be having a panic attack.

However, the problem has persisted. For months. And not when I am panicky. I will just be riding the el, reading my book and I will swallow and I will feel like I am choking.

I'm no doctor, but that's not normal.

It's possibly allergies. And so I am going to go see an allergist.

And it is possibly something going on in my throat. I haven't had a sore throat so I don't think it is my tonsils. But who knows?

What's the worst that can happen? They find nothing wrong with me and charge me lots of money?

Um, yeah, that IS the worst that can happen!

I suppose them discovering that I have throat cancer would be worse, but at least then I wouldn't be crazy.

Which is better, to have cancer or be crazy?

I don't really want either.

But it is time to suck it up and go see a doctor.

Whenever I am in situations like this I think of my friends and family. If they were in a similar situation, what would I tell them to do? Exactly. Go to the friggin' doctor already!

love and marriage

Why on earth do people still want to get married? I actually do still want to get married someday so I am asking myself this question as well as asking the world at large.

I just read about another slew of celebrity divorces.

I was just thinking about marriages and divorces while riding the train yesterday. I was wondering if nowadays if people just don't realize what they are getting into and that is why we end up having so many more divorces. By "what they are getting into" I mean that marriages are really hard and you have to work at them.

Or is this not something new at all, is it just more socially acceptable now. If it were as socially acceptable 100 years ago, would there have been just as many divorces back then?

Is it just a combination of everything... of a turn away from religion, women now in the workplace instead of staying at home, it being more socially acceptable, a shift in values as a society away from "duty" towards "personal happiness"??

As an unmarried 31 year old woman, I see getting married as this big goal and that everything will be great once that happens. Everything in my life will be settled and easy from that point on.

Um, yeah, I am a reasonably intelligent person, and yet for whatever reason in my mind that is what I think.

Why on earth would I think that when I see the divorce rates? And not even just the divorce rates, but the number of unhappy marriages that I see?

Is marriage worth it? Is it just an old stupid tradition that we are hanging onto? Or is it worth it? I've never been married (thankfully!) so I can't really say, you tell me.

witchy woman

I've been writing up a storm lately. Obviously NOT on this blog. Mostly on my novel. I hate to talk about my novel because none of my friends are big fantasy reading dorks. A lot of my friends have read Harry Potter, which is as fantasy as it gets, but they still claim that they don't read fantasy books. I think they just have this weird stereotyped image of what "fantasy" novels include/entail and they picture the really dorky, fat kid they went to high school with who played Magic and had a unicorn on his shirt. And they don't want to be associated with that. I can't say that I blame them.

But it makes me hesitant to talk about writing a novel about witches, knowing that my friends aren't into that. I know that millions of people ARE into that, so I will still have a good reading base if I ever get it finished and published, but it still doesn't make me want to necessarily talk to you guys about it.

However, since I need a little break from writing about that and have been neglecting this blog, I will tell you a little bit about what I have been writing/researching.

Back in the day, let's say like 1483, these dudes got together and published the Malleus Maleficarum which was basically a handbook to dealing with witches. How to spot them, what the witches are capable of, how to handle them.

There is a lot of blah, blah, blah involved because they could never say anything simply back then.

But I stumbled upon one little gem last night...

"There is no man in the world who studies so hard to please the good God as even an ordinary woman studies by her vanities to please men."

Okay, come on, that's funny. Cuz it's true! Seriously if we spent half the time that we spend dolling ourselves up to attract the men folk and impress the other ladies as we did on something worthwhile like trying to cure cancer, we would have cancer beat in a month.

the blizzard

Just for prosperity's sake I am going to write a post about the blizzard. I have the feeling that this one will be talked about for many years. (the blizzard, not my post) Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Where were you during the blizzard on 2011??

I was holed up, warm and dry inside. I was with the eight million people who got out of work early and crowded onto the el at 2 PM. I was warm and fed and ready for a good storm.

And it was a good storm.

White-out conditions. Winds up to 40 mph. Lots of snow... even some lightning and thunder!

It was the first snow day I have ever had. My writing class was canceled on Tuesday night. When they first sent out the email telling us that on Monday night I was annoyed. It hadn't even started snowing yet. How bad could it be? This is Chicago after all, it's not like we've never had snow before, right?

Tell that to the people who are unable to get their cars out of the six foot tall snow drifts(there was only two feet of snow but it piled up high in some places)! Or to the people who got trapped in their cars overnight on Lake Shore Drive with 25 foot waves crashing down and visibility of two feet.

Okay, okay, so I guess it was right to cancel class.

I was a little disappointed that it stopped snowing by 10 AM on Wednesday. I will admit that I wanted this to be a storm of epic proportions. And I had nothing better to do. But I guess it is a good thing that it did stop when it did. And it is a good thing we don't have a roof over Soldier Field so we didn't have to worry about that collapsing. (sorry, Minnesotans, had to throw that one in there.)