another happy entry

It's back... the chirpy optimism. The feeling that everything is right in the world. I've tried to tone it down on my annoyingly happy posts but I just can't help it. Life is so good.

Why do I feel the need to write about it? Because it continues to surprise me!

I have dealt with depression my entire life. Seriously, my entire life. I remember curling up in a ball and crying my eyes out when I was eight years old just because I was so sad. In high school with the crazy hormones, it got even worse. Then I made the mistake of going to Minnesota for college. Minnesota winters do not agree with me. It is such a miracle that I graduated on time seeing as how many times I ended up freaking out winter term and dropping a class. I remember one time going up to one of my teachers and just being honest, telling her that the paper I was supposed to write for class was not going to get done in time because right now it was taking all of my energy to keep the suicidal thoughts out of my head.

I've never even come close to committing suicide. I don't want to commit suicide. But there have been times when I've been depressed and the thoughts just kept hammering away at me. Luckily I've always had self control and I could rationalize with myself and find ways to cope and get through it. There was a point after college where not only was I depressed and not only were the suicidal thoughts taking over my mind, but I also felt like I was losing control.

I realized that all it would take was one minute of me not being in control and I might do something that I would regret forever. That was when I decided to go on medication.

I didn't like going on anti-depressants. In fact, I hated it. They made me feel weak. I was ashamed of them. Plus they raised my blood pressure and gave me horrible headaches. But they helped. They didn't make me happy. I was a little disappointed about that. I wanted "happy pills." With the ones that I was on, I felt the same feelings as before, but I felt in control.

I was only on them for a year and then I was able to wean myself off of them. I don't know if the change was physical or just psychological but I feel like I am a new person. I wish I had taken the medication back in high school. I think about all the relationships I ruined because of my crazy mood swings. I think about what college would have been like if I had been in control back then.

But no sense crying over spilled milk. I prefer to think about now. I prefer to think about the fact that I haven't had to deal with depression in God knows how long. I can't even remember the last time I felt depressed. This whole winter I kept waiting for it to hit. Waiting for the darkness to settle on my soul like a straight jacket. And it never happened.

I just feel so light and free... and happy. I think one of the things that I am really enjoying about being single right now is knowing that my happiness doesn't depend on another person. I control it.

I know some people who never deal with depression and have no idea what I am talking about. I know other people who know what I am talking about a little too well. Even when I was going through the worst of it, there were very few people that I talked to about it. It was my secret. My dark secret that was ruining my life.

Now that I'm not dealing with depression, I feel like I've been given a second chance at life. I feel like the world is mine for the taking.

That's why my posts can be annoyingly, blissfully happy at times. I just can't help it. I want to shout it from the roof tops: I'M HAPPY!