DISNEY!!!!

We're back! Sadly. I'm so very glad that we went on our quick little three and a half day vacation to Disney World and Universal Studios. It was just what we needed. It's hard to be back, especially since it is gray and miserable here in Chicago.

I don't know how normal people do Disney. I walk a ton. Over a mile each way to work. But I know a lot of people who don't. People who walk to their cars, drive to work and then walk inside. How on Earth do they survive Disney? Because you walk sooooo much there. I mean, miles upon miles upon miles. And I was so tired. A good tired. But tired. I think people should start training a few months before they go.

The other nice thing about Disney is that it is filled with shlubby Americans so you feel really attractive and put together when you are there- even if you are wearing yoga pants!

One of my favorite experiences which was new this time around was having lunch at Belle's castle in the Magic Kingdom. There's a part in the movie where they say "try the gray stuff, it's delicious!" And so for dessert I got the "Master's Cupcake" which is topped with "gray stuff."

Nowadays, being in line is almost as cool as the actual rides. My new favorite ride at Hollywood Studios is Toy Story and while waiting in line you see all sorts of larger than life toys like Lincoln Logs and a Barrel of Monkeys.

We went to Universal Studios which was not my favorite place. It is more like Great America. But Simpson's land was pretty cool.

Unfortunately, the Simpsons' ride did me in and made me very motion sick. So I was done with rides for the day. Mike, however, did a few more- including "rock it" which starts by having a completely vertical incline while you lay on your back. The part that mike loved was that you also got to pick your music that was blasted into your headrest as you go so he got to listen to Motley Crue's "Kickstart your heart" as he rode the rollercoaster.

Harry Potter world was sooooo much fun... if you are a Harry Potter fan. I'm not going to post many photos of that because I don't want to ruin it for anyone else who might be going. 

This is Mike's first taste of butter beer. Delicious! 

This is inside the castle- the stairway up to Dumbledore's office.

These are the Ron and Harry sweaters from Mrs. Weasley that you can buy in the gift shop for an exorbitant fee.

And this is the Three Broomsticks. While Mike does not look like he is having a great time- he did. It is simply that this photo was taken at the end of a very long day and minutes after he rode the Dragon ride twice in a row (with no wait) and is pretty close to throwing up as I took this pic! He never did throw up, but it took him a while to feel better.

Anyways, it was a fabulous trip. One of the things that surprised me was how religious Disney was. I don't know why that surprised me, but it did. For example, they often have characters out walking around at the parks, right? Well, in Mexico world at Epcot Center they had the Three Wise Men talking about going to see Jesus. And then at the holiday choir performance they sang songs like Silent Night instead of We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

Universal on the other hand is so different. Atheist. Disney is all about family and values. Universal is all about EXTREME and being wild.

Both were fun, mind you. Just noting the difference.

I'm already starting to plan our next trip back!

why not being able to get pregnant is the best thing that ever happened to me

You learn a lot when you have children. Things you never expected. That's a given. You learn what you are capable of and what is important. That all makes sense.

What I didn't expect was how much I would learn and grow from NOT being pregnant.

Not in a general, I've spent my life not being pregnant sort of way, but in a trying to be pregnant and not being pregnant sort of way.

As much as it sucks, I'm kind of glad I haven't gotten pregnant right away because the amount of growing I have done this year is incredible.

I've dealt with illnesses in my family and loved ones before so I understood the idea, but I've never personally dealt with something that was so out of my control. There are things that I can do to improve my odds of getting pregnant, but when push comes to shove, it is out of my control. I can't just work harder to make it happen.

I've learned acceptance. Not a "give up" sort of acceptance. But a "I can't control the whole world" sort of acceptance.

And I understood in theory how much it sucked for women who were trying to get pregnant, because I've wanted to have a baby since I was 21 years old. I understood that longing.

But until I really tried to get pregnant, I never really understood the emotions- the hope, the discouragement, the fear that it will never happen. I never truly understood about dealing with comments, usually well meaning, that are like salt in an open wound.

My empathy has grown by leaps and bounds- both in regards to women trying to get pregnant and just people in general.

If I had gotten pregnant when I first started trying- I would have a baby right now. That's crazy to think about. But I think this period of trying to get pregnant and not being able to has made me a better person and that in turn will make me a better mother when it does happen.

I also wouldn't have started acupuncture school had I gotten pregnant when I first started trying.

Sometimes things work out like they're supposed to- we just don't realize it at the time. :)

finishing up first semester

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just a quick hello

I'm not going to lie... I did NOT expect grad school to be this hard. It is legitimately hard.

But let's not focus on that. Let's focus on happy...

1. my husband can play the guitar and that is sexy as hell
2. I get to wear yoga pants all week if I want
3. I have a husband who likes to do stupid stuff like pose for silly christmas card pictures with me
4. I don't have major health problems (knock on wood!) that I am currently dealing with
5. I have a straight A average going on
6. I feel at home in my apartment
7. I have an extremely supportive family
8. my clinical counseling class makes me love the world a little bit more every week
9. my classmates are all amazing
10. I got to hang out with mike a lot this weekend
11. I got the highest grade in my class on our last test
12. I can brag on this blog cuz nobody reads it anyways! ha!
13. our new blanket is now the perfect temperature (it was a little too thick for the summer)
14. I like christmas tree lights and now they are all going up
15. I get to go to bed right now.

Do you want to see a picture that came up on the powerpoint presentation in biology last week?

Let me just say that my mind was not the only one in the gutter and there was a LOT of giggling going on!

I think I'll end on that note! Goodnight my lovelies! 

out of balance

Do you know what's kind of ironic? I'm studying Chinese Medicine which is all about how you need balance in your life. This is what we need to teach our clients. This is what we believe to be true.

Yet because I am in school, studying my ass off, I have no balance in my life.

I have no amusing blog posts to write because all I seem to do is work and study.

So working on balance is my big thing right now.

I will share with you my one funny story from the week.

In anatomy lab this week we were going over some of the muscles of the face, including the masseter- or the teeth clencher muscle.

The act of chewing is called mastication.

So our teacher was telling us about when he was in undergrad studying this stuff and he had a professor from China who was new to the US and could speak and understand English but it was still pretty difficult for him. And his prof was getting his PhD and had to get up in front of this big lecture hall full of other students and teachers, etc and answer all these questions that were thrown at him.

So they decided to start him off easy and ask him to talk about the muscles involved in mastication.

Only, like I said, his English wasn't so good, and he thought they asked him about the muscles involved in MASTURBATION!!!

He sat there for a second and then figured, well, okay. And starts explaining the muscles. After a few minutes everyone in the audience realized what has happened and are rolling with laughter... but they let him continue on for about ten minutes!!!

don't work too hard

Hi.

My name is Nikki and I just ate way too many jalapeno peppers. They were pickled so it didn't seem like too many at the time but now my stomach hates me. It's good to do that every now and then just to remind myself that I shouldn't do it.

So what else is new? Yesterday was my birthday and it was pretty non-exciting. I had a full day of classes and then came home and ate delicious tacos (my favorite) and watched Forrest Gump.

Oh, and I had raging PMS which was causing me to almost keep breaking into tears throughout the day.

So that was fun.

I'm feeling much better now. Well, except for my stomach hating me for eating peppers.

Right, anyways. Moving on.

School is kicking my ass. I mean, it's fine and I will get through it fine but I will actually have to WORK to do well. Boo on that. Do you want to know something sort of funny though?

I was receiving an acupuncture treatment in the student clinic today and one of my chronic problems is just a lack of qi or energy. This can manifest in the body in my ways- including the obvious one of just not having very much energy or get-up-and-go. So the clinic supervisor came in and was observing the student working on me and was talking to me. She is this little lady from China with a HORRIBLY thick and difficult to understand Chinese accent. And she likes to yell at me that I am trying to do too much and that I don't have the energy to be doing all of this, that I'm not super woman.

So today her advice to me was to just try to pass- not to stress out and try to get A's. Just pass- don't stress out- don't work too hard. So that's my excuse if I don't ace these tests that I have on Thursday and next week- my teacher told me not to study!

She did not, however, tell me to type blog posts instead of working on my powerpoint presentation for tomorrow. So I better be off. Just wanted to say hi.

first day of school

I, of course, had a nightmare last night about the first day of school. In the dream I really had to go to the bathroom (which is not unusual, I dream about that nightly and it wakes me up so that I can get up and go to the bathroom) but in the dream I had to pee but a class was about to start but a rock concert just let out so I was late to class because 50 people were in line before me to use the restroom.

However, my actual first day went smoothly. I'm not in love with my first class. She just throws lots of information at you. My second class has the best teacher ever. And my fellow classmates are amazing.

One of the things I learned in my first class, however, which I think is awesome is that in olden days in China doctors got paid based on how healthy their clients were. The healthier the clients, the more they were paid. So it was in a doctor's best interest to do preventative medicine and keep everyone super healthy. What a concept!

So the funniest thing that happened this weekend is that Mike and I went out to dinner last night. We were going to a nicer restaurant so I got all dolled up. We got on the bus together but there were no seats together so we were sitting across the aisle from each other. He reached over and put his hand on my leg and I (pretending that I didn't know him) slapped it away with a shocked look on my face! I heard a couple of sharp intakes of breath from people around me- who really believed that I didn't know him and some stranger had just tried to put his hand on my thigh. Until I exploded in giggles. Mike just shook his head and said, "You are such a jerk." It was hilarious!

I also had insufficient funds on my debit card today when I went to Trader Joes. Oops! That should have been embarrassing but I thought it was a mistake by the bank. Nope. I just forgot to transfer funds. Teehee. Sorry to the ten people in line behind me! Maybe I should start keeping a credit card in my wallet. They had to return half of my items so that I could pay for them with the cash I had on me.

Anyways, I've got lots of reading to do, and these classes might kick my butt a little but I am still way ahead of a lot of people in my class who are coming straight from Corporate America.

Time to go read!

grad school

Well, I did it. I got in to grad school and start on Tuesday. I have orientation tonight where I will meet my fellow students. Who knows, maybe I will meet some bosom friends?

My parents are happy because they like the idea of me being in legit school and getting my masters.

I am happy because I get to learn about Chinese medicine which appeals to the spiritual side of me.

What I love about Chinese medicine is that it makes energy work more tangible/physical. There are specific indicators that you can look at- like the tongue or the pulse or someone's finger nails that help you diagnose what is going on in the body.

I'm not knocking Western medicine and for an acute problem I would recommend everyone going to their doctor. You break your arm and you are not going to go see an acupuncturist.

Where I think Western medicine fails is in the preventative stage. Also in the idea of what being well and healthy is. Being healthy isn't simply not being sick. That's just the middle ground. Chinese medicine can help people feel great.

Anyways, I'll be able to tell you a lot more in a few years. But I wanted to write a blog post today because I'm about to set out on a big adventure and it'll be interesting to look back when I am done and see where I was.

So where am I? Living in Chicago in a tiny apartment. Which, to be fair, is huge by New York or Paris standards! And would be plenty big enough if I didn't have so much crap. No children, no pets, but one hell of an awesome husband. Still working at 1000 Waves and really enjoying that. A bit overweight but generally healthy. Trying to give up processed sugar and soda pop- and while it is not completely gone from my diet, it is getting much better.

So where do I hope to be in five years... in a house, with mike who has his brewery/restaurant thriving, with a kid or two and a dog or two and my own space to do massage/acupuncture and qi gong. I also want to see my sister married, my brother have a job he loves, my friends have significant others that they love and enough money that I don't have to feel super stressed out.

just do it

I'm a planner. I like to plan and scheme and dream. I do actually DO things as well. But I tend to hang out in the planning stage for a long time. Don't really rush into things. Not major life decisions anyways. Or do I?

I guess sometimes I just go with my gut. And it leads me to wonderful places.

And now my gut is telling me that I should go to acupuncture school and learn about Chinese medicine.

I'll admit that it's been in the back of my mind for years. But way back on a back burner. Yesterday was the first time that I started talking about wanting to actually do it. My mom told me that I should do it right now. Don't wait. My husband said HELL YES! (but that's just because he likes being my guinea pig!)

And so tomorrow I'm meeting with the admissions officer. And I've already hit a couple of people up for letters of reference.

And it is scary and exciting and new. And I'm loving that. I'm loving getting out of my comfort zone.

Break me wide open so the world can pour in

Holy emotional turbulence, Batman! What a day.

But before I get to that... doesn't it seem weird that we can have so much affection for things like the moon? But I really do love the moon.

Yesterday in shiatsu class we worked our Gallbladder and Liver meridians. To start the class we did a few stretches, a meditation and then a couple of qi gong exercises. And the exercises helped my jaw to finally release. My jaw has been "stuck" for months. Not terribly painful or anything, but somewhat uncomfortable. Like a bone/knuckle that needs to crack that you can't get to go. Or like needing to sneeze and it just won't come.

Well it finally released. And when you've been holding on to something for MONTHS and finally let it go, it's huge. It felt great. But the release of so much tension is overwhelming. So I felt a bit weepy. In a good way, but weepy still.

And then following class I had my free shiatsu session with Steve, the founder/ owner of my school.

Which starts by doing a client intake interview which is a lot of VERY personal questions. And I was weepy to begin with. And they were things that are not easy to talk about. Things that I thought I had gotten a lot better at talking about... but apparently that is just when my protective walls are up.

Because yesterday when my walls were down, suddenly it all felt so very raw.

And suddenly I was bawling on the table.

He starts by working in my hara (abdomen) and he hit the spot for Lungs (which ties in with grief and letting go) and I just lost it. I probably could have been broken open even more but I was a little resistant- I didn't really want to be sobbing on the table with this guy I barely know, so instead I was just heavily crying, instead of outright sobbing.

I hate the "emotional hangover" after a good cry though. And while a good cry is necessary and helpful every now and then, having a good cry in front of someone I don't know is NOT my idea of a good time.

And despite my Lung meridian making me cry so hard, it is actually my Stomach meridian that I need to work on- especially for getting pregnant.

Stomach is about appetite and NOURISHMENT. And while that does involve food and eating, it also means nourishing the soul. So I need to think about what nourishes my life- and do more of that. I was making a list yesterday and was laughing to Mike saying that this will be an excuse to pamper the heck out of myself. I NEED to get pedicures to nourish me so that I can get pregnant, baby! ;)

So obviously this is a short and random list of things that came to me during a five minute period last night but here are some of the things that I came up with that nourish my soul:

pictures of puppies and pandas

trees

the Lake

cuddling

puppets

laughter

getting body work

magic

yahtzee

connecting with people

fancy face cream

baths

swimming

good food

dipping my hand into a bag of beans/grain

using special glasses and plates

helping others

making others smile/laugh

having a clean house

looking pretty

letters

hanging out with friends

scented candles

mood lighting

peter lik photography

flowers

colors

pinterest

good books

working up a good sweat

picnics on the boulevard

fresh sheets

circuses

food art

monet’s paintings

music

a good hair wash

pedicures

baking

hedgehogs

yoga

tai chi

qi gong

tae kwon do

hula hooping

thankful lists

presents

eye lash extensions

good glass of wine

shaving with a good razor

lemony drink

sleeping naked

kisses

hugs

I realize that some of these seem a little bizarre- like "eye lash extensions." But hey, whatever works, right? 

What nourishes your soul???

happy anniversary

Mike and I just had our one-year wedding anniversary. That year just zoomed by. I've just sat here for about three minutes deciding what to write next because I am so happy but if I talk about how totally awesome our relationship is, I will sound like a dick. Or people will just say, "Just you wait til later in the marriage. You guys don't know what's coming."

Whatever.

My point is that one year in, I would say that getting married to Mike is the best decision I have ever made.

We watched the video from our wedding yesterday. It was fun to see the wedding from a different prospective. I have to say, our wedding was fun. And there was a lot of laughing. And a lot of clapping. Mike and I joked about that. We said, "Do most people get applause after they say their vows?" Or should I say, "Sing them?"

My vows:

 Finding someone that you can live with, that won’t drive you crazy, is no easy task.

I choose you, however, not simply because I can live with you, but because I can't live without you.

You have made my life better and easier, sharing my burdens and giving me your love, strength… and food. Your joy for life is contagious. Your sense of humor is just as nerdy as mine. Your hugs heal me. And your kisses melt me.

I could go on for hours about how much I love you, but I think Bob Dylan summed it up best…

I love you more than ever, more than time and more than love

I love you more than money and more than the stars above

I love you more than madness, more than waves upon the sea

I love you more than life itself, you mean that much to me.

However, it takes more than just love to make a marriage work, and so I promise to stick by your side through good and bad. I promise to not take you for granted, to treat you with respect and to make you laugh at least once a day as long as we both shall live. I promise to try to be the best version of me that I can be. And I promise to help you be the best version of you that you can be. And I promise that even when I am tired or angry or upset, to still keep my promises.

I, Nicolette Becker, take you, Michael Carroll, to be my husband, my partner, and my missing piece as we face all of life’s adventures, joys and challenges together.

I love you.

Anyways, upon re-hearing my vows, I thought about if I was holding true to them.  For the most part, I am. We laugh non-stop when we are together and I told him to go ahead and quit his job so that he could follow his dreams even if that is a little scary and not currently a good financial decision. 

But am I being the best version of me that I can be? Meh. Not really.  Time to step it up a notch. 

Let's make year two even better than year one! 

this week in pictures

I'm too lazy to actually come up with a topic for this blog post so instead I went through and found some pics I've taken lately and will just comment on those...

We had a picnic at the beach the other day. It was my friend Emily's first time at a Chicago beach which is absolutely ridiculous. It's not the ocean, but Chicago has some legit beaches. It was an absolutely lovely, albeit slightly cold, day. Makes me wish I always had Sunday afternoons off!

My brother Mike and his three girls were in town for a few days. They were there while I was setting up to give a massage. Lily wanted to try out the massage table and was quickly addicted!

And Amelia has finally passed the stage where she is afraid of me. And despite not knowing me very well (they live in Atlanta) she decided that she likes me because her older sisters do. So here's the thing about her older sisters... I don't love other people's kids. I'm not one of those people who goes gaga over babies. But I ADORE my nieces and nephews which is why I know I will adore my own children. Lily and Ella made me come up to the attic to see their "playroom" which was little more than a mattress on the ground. I helped them set up the playroom more by opening a box of stuffed animals and moving the mirror AWAY from the bed that they were jumping on! We then pretended that there was a thunder storm and we had to hide under the covers whenever there was lightning. 

They are such a fun age. 

Mike and I drove up to Minnesota for the 4th of July because his dad's family was having a reunion. However, while there I got to see my best friend Jamie too. While we were waiting for Jamie to get off work and meet us at Carleton I took Mike to the local bar and we played pinball. I haven't played pinball since I was back there for reunion- but it only took five minutes before I was completely hooked! Mike and I actually ended up playing twice... once while waiting for Jamie and then again a few hours later while we were waiting for the restaurant we were going to dinner at to open.

Mike played extremely well the first time but not so well the second time. I said to him, "You were amazing this morning" and knowing that there was another bar patron who could hear us nearby he responds all sultry "thanks, baby." I totally cracked up knowing that the guy probably thought we were talking about sex, not pinball!

This is Mike in the Zen garden at Carleton.

Not only did I get to see Carleton and show it to Mike, but then we all got to play some soccer on Bell Field, which is one of my "happy places". This was our badass, serious pose.

This is Mike's dad and his uncles at the reunion. They are all extremely nice but Uncle Leo's Minnesotan accent was so thick that I couldn't understand a word he said.

While up in Minnesota we got to stay in student housing at Macalester college. It was more of an apartment than a dorm, but it definitely had a dorm feel! Brought me back!

Otherwise not much new in my life. Thanks for checking in!

my journey

Today I started my Shiatsu 2 class. I really wasn't planning on taking it until next year but things kept drawing me towards it. As we went around the class and introduced ourselves two of the women made comments about how if a year ago someone said that they would be taking this class and thinking about taking the whole certification program for shiatsu, they would never have believed them. They were firmly rooted in corporate America. And now they feel like their journey has just begun. 

Which made me think about my journey. I've been a massage therapist for over ten years now. I knew that I wanted to be a massage therapist since I was 12 years old, I was drawn to it. Without even knowing exactly why. Sure, comfy clothes, low stress, no meetings- all that stuff sounded appealing. (And is!) But something about what I do speaks to my soul. Did I know it would? Or did I just luck out?

Though I may look the same and seem the same to an untrained eye, I am such a completely different person than I was 12 years ago. How I see the world and others and how I connect with the world have all radically changed. My soul is so much more at peace. And I know I am still just beginning to "get it." But I'm so thankful that I decided to take this journey. 

And so it is fun to see other people starting on their journeys. We may end up in completely different places- but watching people break out of their bubbles and experience new things and grow? Amazing! Parents and teachers, of course, get to see this all the time. 

It's one of those things that words will never do justice to and you will just sound hokey if you try which is why I usually don't. But today was a beautiful day and I'm happy I'm taking this class so I wanted to share. 

On a side note, I had a total "duh!" moment today. The teacher was drawing a flow chart on the board in the shape of a star. And I know that the shape is often referred to as a "pentagram" which I never understood because, yes, it has five sides, but it is most definitely a star. 

And then I realized that the shape the five lines make at the CENTER of the star is a, wait for it...  pentagram! 

It finally makes sense! 

Also, during our lunch break Michael offered some of his granola (oh you little hippie, can you be more stereotypical?!?!) to Joe who hadn't brought any food. 

And then Michael said something that I just loved. "It tastes better when you share."

Yes, it does.  :)

Happy town. Population: me

Sometimes I feel guilty because it seems like people I know are dealing with much bigger issues in life as I just sail along. (knock on wood) Now, I know that I've HAD some bigger issues in my life (mom's cancer, sam being hospitalized, depression, love drama galore) and that everything goes in stages and I am just in a good stage right now. But my Catholic upbringing still causes me to feel guilty about it. 

But it doesn't stop me from enjoying it. 

The last few weeks have been exhausting because I've been busy having so much fun. And even though I'm an introvert, I still LOVE hanging out with my friends and family and get so happy from that. 

Anyways, here are some things that I am happy about right now:

My husband is the best cook EVER!!!!

And he is a total goofball.

And I adore his family. I seriously lucked out getting them for in-laws.

And Mike and I got to take a little getaway to rural Michigan the other day where we hung out at the beach and the dunes and the woods. The woods were so insanely green that it sort of blew my mind. 

The bed and breakfast we stayed at was adorable. We were the only people there and the weather was perfect. 

And I'm totally in love with this tree at the beach. 

We borrowed my parents' car to go to Michigan and when I asked if I could take it my mom said, "Sure, Mike just has to cook dinner for us!" So he did and it was delicious and at the end of the meal my dad goes, "So, when do you want to borrow the car again??" :)

Mike and I went to Half Acre's 5th anniversary party which was a blast. 

And they had a clown there. I am one of the few people who actually LOVES clowns. He made me a rattlesnake balloon animal. 

Life is a little crazy. Mike's last day at Half Acre is the 31st and who knows what life is going to bring but I've got the feeling it is going to be all good. Here is hoping that a bit of that goodness rubs off on my friends! 

Ask for what you want in life

This isn't really a blog post for you guys as it is a reminder to myself for the future...

Yesterday was rough. It started out lovely. The weather was nice. The sky was blue. It was a walk in the park. Literally. And then I went to work. And it being the day before I get my period, my hormones were out of control.

Nikki, you should laugh. No, you should cry. Be angry. No, you should laugh. No, CRY!!! Just make up your mind, would ya?

Do you know how hard it is to be loving and mindful and giving at work when you feel like you are losing your mind? Well, I made it through. And did a rock star job at my massages, if I do say so myself.

And I stopped by the grocery store and bought WAY too many groceries. Which may not sound like a problem to most people, except that I have to walk a ways and take two busses to get home from the grocery store- while now lugging seven bags of heavy groceries.

And did I mention that it suddenly got very cold? And I was not dressed for it. And my busses took a long time to come so I was freezing?

(I'm not whining,  just trying to set the scene.)

So I finally got on the second bus and Mike and I were texting back and forth. I was trying to drop some hints about how I would like him to come help me lug these bags of groceries home. He wasn't picking up on the hints. His responses were more of the "great! can't wait to see you!" variety. Which is sweet. But wasn't doing it for my PMSing self.

So finally, do you know what I did? I straight out asked him to meet me at the bus stop and to bring my coat.

And he did. And my night was INFINITELY better and I was more in love with my husband than ever.

So the moral of the story is to just ask for what you want. Don't drop hints. Don't be mad that they don't just magically think of it themselves. Just ask. This I think applies to everything in life, not just husbands and PMSing wives.

facebook profile pic

So here's the thing- yesterday was a big day in court fighting to get gay marriage legalized. And a lot of people on Facebook changed their profile pic to a red equal sign to show support of gay marriage.

And, of course, that created a bunch of clever spin offs.

And I will admit that I don't usually do things like change my facebook pic for things like this. I've seen too many "It's national brother day, change this to your facebook status if you love your brother!" and other such stupidity. A lot of times I think, "What's the point? That won't change anything."

So while I am a firm supporter of gay marriage, I wouldn't usually jump on the bandwagon of facebook trends. That is, until I read some statuses by some gay friends of mine.

Everyone changing their profile pic in support of marriage equality is making me so happy. It may not seem like a big deal to you but to me it's like this grand statement saying, "we love you" "we are standing with you against this hate" "this country is changing" "Michele Bachman is crazy". So thank you!

Eloquently said by my partner, Dan. I don't think y'all know how much it meant to see the overwhelming support from all of you today. Always knew you were there, but seeing it took my breath away.

Absolutely amazed by the updates on FB from our straight allies. You guys and gals play a big role in this civil rights fight with us. You have been with us in this fight all along the way. And the Dan and Meta Show certainly wouldn't speak for the entire gay community (although we have requested that power from them several times), thank you, thank you, thank you!

And that was enough for me. Is changing my profile picture going to affect if the law gets changed? No. But if it makes even one person feel supported and accepted and loved, then it is worth it. 

baby blues

Last week was rough.

As I said to Mike, "You know how when you are really happy- everything just sort of seems to go your way? And it is like you draw more happiness and happy people towards you? And you notice pretty and awesome things that you never noticed before- even though you've walked by them a thousand times? Yeah, well, last week was the exact opposite of that."

And it is mainly just hormones, because nothing is going that poorly in my life. Though losing my Gonzo button- which was my "something blue" from my wedding- really bummed me out.

But sometimes you need a crappy week to make you appreciate the good weeks.

The hardest thing for me right now is not being pregnant. I've ALWAYS wanted kids. And I've always had that urge to have kids. I've felt like my biological clock was ticking since I was 21. And while I'm soooo glad that I waited to have kids with Mike rather than having kids with the wrong person just so I could have kids, it doesn't change the fact that I really want kids and it is hard not having them.

And I've become jealous. Not of my friends who have older kids, for some reason that is okay. But of my friends who have had babies in the last few weeks or who are pregnant. Seeing it on Facebook almost brings me to tears. Before it was okay. Before it was my conscious decision to not have kids yet.

Now it's not. Now it's my body not doing what I want it to. And now it's worrying. Is this just the normal period that people go through when trying to get pregnant? Or did the procedures that I had done when I had the pre-cancerous cells on my cervix years ago really mess up my ability to get pregnant? It was a possibility that I had to risk at the time. Or maybe it's not that at all. Maybe it's Mike's sperm. Or maybe I'm pregnant right now.

That's the hardest part- the build up of hope every month just to be shot down.

And sweet Jesus, I've only been trying for three months! I know people who have done this for years. How do they do it? While I've always been sympathetic towards them, I now have so much more love and tenderness towards them. I remember a client I had a few months ago- she was having invitro done the next day and she was one of the biggest balls of stress I've ever seen. I remember thinking at the time that there was no way it was going to take because no baby could survive in that sort of stressed out environment. Now I wanna go back and just give her the biggest hug ever.

Anyways, I'm feeling much, much better. And hopeful. And I've been writing a ton- finally back to work on my novel.  And life is good.

oops!

So much for my New Year's Resolution, I didn't post a single time in February! That's okay, February is the lamest month ever. That's why we keep it so short.

Instead of doing a real post let's just do some bullet points, shall we?

- I hate when friends name their baby something that I was planning on naming a kid, cuz then it seems like I am just copying them. Of course, unless you make up a new original name, you are going to be copying somebody.

- I love it when I get my password right (for things I don't often log into) on the first try.

- It's snowing again. Yuck. But at least we're not having a mega-drought. So that's good.

- We are redoing our living room. My next post will have pics, but I'm too lazy to upload them from my camera right now.

- I'm doing a competition with my sister to see who can lose the most weight in the next eight weeks. I'm gonna win. It's only been two days and I already feel skinnier.

- It's only been two days and I remember why I don't like dieting- I miss food!

- My landlord is hispanic and her teenage son yells at her all the time and I want to go down there and punch him. He should not be talking to his mama like that.

- I had a scary cab driver last night. He was convinced every red light was a personal vendetta against him. People who hate driving should NOT be cab drivers.

- I'm in a grouchy mood. And I'm sick of the city. And I'm dreaming about moving out to the country. But then I think about the bugs and the snakes and how I'd probably get stuck with a neighbor I didn't like so I should probably just stay here.

- Now you can see why I haven't posted. Not much to talk about. No major news. I'm not pregnant. My mom's health is not great but it's steady and not horrible. Mike is still awesome. My coworkers are still not the best but I am trying to be nicer to them.

-And I had to buy new pants because mine totally split in the crotch when I was at work on Saturday. So that was fun.

I'll talk to you again when I am less grouchy!

husband of the year

Alrighty, time to blog again. Wait a sec... it is 9:39 PM? Why the hell isn't my husband home? Oh well. Hopefully he is out making business deals that will land him a new brewery. Probably, however, he is just out drinking with his friends.

But you know what? That is okay. Because you know what? I have the best husband EVER!

Seriously, you know when you are younger and you think you want to be married and it will be great? And then you get older and you realize how messed up people are and you lower your expectations?

Well, being married (to Mike at least) is super friggin' awesome! It's the best thing ever. Of course, he is going for "husband of the year" award or something. He came out to OP and did game night with my family on Saturday night and the only thing he grumbled about at all was the bed. The bed hurts his back. I DID give him a massage the next morning to make up for it - in case you think he is an angel and I am just a jerk. 

Anyways, game night was a blast. My sister is an adorable host and came up with lots of cute ideas...

This is Mike playing Guesstures...

My sister had all sorts of snacks, including a "twister board" made of macaroons.

My cousin Des and her boyfriend Andy played a game (sort of like Password) that my sister made up.

And of course we played Telestrations which is our new favorite game EVER!

My sister had all sorts of cute signage up, which I will of course steal if I ever have a game night at my house.

But back to the whole marriage thing... you can tell me that it is because we have only been married six months, but it is great.  Really, really great. When I was little and still had these naive dreams about getting married, I never even thought it would be this great.

Hey, guess what, not to totally change the subject or anything, but I can totally see the Hancock building out my window. I never realized that during the day time but at night it is all lit up and I can see it. Learn something new every darn day.

I've had two glasses of wine tonight, and since I have not been drinking very much at all lately, my tolerance must have gone down because I feel very "happy" off of two glasses of wine.

Did you know that some people edit their blog posts? As you can tell, I don't do that. I get drunk and I ramble, and if you don't like it, well, you should send my five dollars. Huh? That's right, you should send me five dollars, and I will put that towards writing classes and eventually I will write better blog entries. But until then, shut the heck up. Cuz at least I'm writing.

So, going back to the photos above. Do you know what is fun? Hipstomatic. Which is an app I use on my iphone to take artsy looking photos. Same sort of thing as Instagram. Anywho... I was walking along the other day and I had my phone out and Hipstomatic up and thus was sort of looking at the world (via my phone) through Hipstomatic and it makes the world look really nice. I guess you could say they are my "rose colored glasses" but there was an article about hotels the other day where they showed pictures from the website versus pictures from real people that went there and basically what I got out of the article is that there are some amazing photographers out there who can make even a dump look inviting. And so basically two people can look at the same thing and see two totally different things.

Looking at things with a "photographer's eye" is fun. The other day it was super cold and I was waiting for the bus. Which is sort of a miserable experience. But then I saw this sign, and took a picture using Hipstomatic. Now my wait for the bus looks "artsy" instead of "miserable." See how this app is changing my life?

Or take a look at the bloody marys we made at brunch a few weeks ago. One picture is from my regular iphone camera and the other is from Hipstomatic. Both are awesome, mind you, but the one on top says "party" way more than the other one.

Did I mention that my husband is awesome? And a chef? Marry a chef! A retired chef. That is the best advice I can give young girls out there. He made me "grilled cheese" last night because that is what I asked for. And really he made me an open faced crostini with gouda and blue cheese (cuz that is what we had in the house) and he told me there was a surprise and it turned out there was also a slice of potato under the cheese but on top of the bread.

Okay, enough rambling for one evening. I posted my weekly blog update. Time for bed. Good night all!

is Chicago making me mean?

I was thinking today about how different I would be if I lived in a small town. There are lots of things I love about living in the city. Mainly the theater, restaurants, museums and transportation.

But what am I giving up to live in the city?

I don't know my neighbors. At all. Okay, I'm at a "chit chat small talk" level with the guy next door and with our landlord. But the other people on the block? Complete strangers.

I'm completely surrounded by strangers all the time. On the bus. At the gym. Walking down the street.

And my city, as much as I love it, is NOT safe. And so I am constantly on guard. I have my defenses up. I avoid eye contact and try to keep a low profile. Cuz you never know who is going to be a crazy.

I'm already an introvert so it takes me a while to open up to people but living in the city I am just starting to feel super cold. I connect to my friends and family through emails and facebook and the phone, but I'm not connected to the people who are all around me on a day to day basis.

It would be interesting to see how I would change living in a small town.

Do you think where you live changes who you are and how you act?