baby blues

Last week was rough.

As I said to Mike, "You know how when you are really happy- everything just sort of seems to go your way? And it is like you draw more happiness and happy people towards you? And you notice pretty and awesome things that you never noticed before- even though you've walked by them a thousand times? Yeah, well, last week was the exact opposite of that."

And it is mainly just hormones, because nothing is going that poorly in my life. Though losing my Gonzo button- which was my "something blue" from my wedding- really bummed me out.

But sometimes you need a crappy week to make you appreciate the good weeks.

The hardest thing for me right now is not being pregnant. I've ALWAYS wanted kids. And I've always had that urge to have kids. I've felt like my biological clock was ticking since I was 21. And while I'm soooo glad that I waited to have kids with Mike rather than having kids with the wrong person just so I could have kids, it doesn't change the fact that I really want kids and it is hard not having them.

And I've become jealous. Not of my friends who have older kids, for some reason that is okay. But of my friends who have had babies in the last few weeks or who are pregnant. Seeing it on Facebook almost brings me to tears. Before it was okay. Before it was my conscious decision to not have kids yet.

Now it's not. Now it's my body not doing what I want it to. And now it's worrying. Is this just the normal period that people go through when trying to get pregnant? Or did the procedures that I had done when I had the pre-cancerous cells on my cervix years ago really mess up my ability to get pregnant? It was a possibility that I had to risk at the time. Or maybe it's not that at all. Maybe it's Mike's sperm. Or maybe I'm pregnant right now.

That's the hardest part- the build up of hope every month just to be shot down.

And sweet Jesus, I've only been trying for three months! I know people who have done this for years. How do they do it? While I've always been sympathetic towards them, I now have so much more love and tenderness towards them. I remember a client I had a few months ago- she was having invitro done the next day and she was one of the biggest balls of stress I've ever seen. I remember thinking at the time that there was no way it was going to take because no baby could survive in that sort of stressed out environment. Now I wanna go back and just give her the biggest hug ever.

Anyways, I'm feeling much, much better. And hopeful. And I've been writing a ton- finally back to work on my novel.  And life is good.