I've got two things to say about love...
The first was something I read in a book today. I am actually reading a satire. It is called Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. It's pretty amusing. Not really the sort of book that I would expect to be quoting about love. But there was a passage today that struck me.
Let me set the scene... Jesus (who in this book goes by the name Joshua- don't ask) is talking to his buddhist master, Gaspar, at a monastery in China...
Joshua reached across the table and took the old man's hand. "You drill us every day in the same movements, we practice the same brush strokes over and over, we chant the same mantras, why? So that these actions will become natural, spontaneous, without being diluted by thought, right?"
"Yes, said Gaspar.
"Compassion is the same way," said Joshua. "That's what the yeti knew. He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift."
Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell.
For a sarcastic satire novel about Christianity, that is kind of deep. Kind of goes with an idea a friend of mine shared with me that love is not something to be given or taken away, it is something within us.
The second thing that I was thinking about love is something that I read by Dr. Ruth.
She said that the secret to a good marriage is not love...
... it is commitment.
Which I think is 100% true.
If people go into a marriage just thinking about love, they are bound to be disappointed. ESPECIALLY if they are deeply in love on their wedding day because when that feeling fades they are going to think that something is very wrong. That they have a bad marriage.
We are human. There are times we won't like our spouse. There are times that we will have feelings for other people. Saying the magic words "I do" does not suddenly turn off our urges and our desires for other people.
If you go into a marriage thinking that "because I love this person I will never want to be with anybody else for the rest of my life" you are going to be miserable.
I'm not saying that love isn't important to a marriage.
I'm saying that a marriage can not survive on love alone.
Marriages are about commitment.
They are about looking at another person and saying, "Yes, for better or worse, I am throwing my lot in with yours. I WILL stick by your side. I will make this work. And because I commit myself to you, we will be able to grow and build a life together."
I think it is infinitely harder nowadays when we DON'T have arranged marriages. We now marry for LOVE. And so we expect to feel in love ALL the time. Perhaps our ancestors knew what they were doing... they knew that a marriage based on love alone could never work.
But maybe we are lucky. We now have the choice of whom we marry. We can have a marriage based on love AND commitment.
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You know this one is near and dear to my heart. I think you are right, completely, but this brings up another aspect--- will you be completely open with your future husband about when you have feelings about someone else? Will you want to know when he's feeling attracted and emotionally tied to someone else? I believe that a)just about everyone in the whole world has experienced this in one way, shape or form and that b)our problem is that we shame and make the person "wrong" for those feelings. How much honesty is enough? How much is too much? What do we "need" to know? How much are we suposed to stay committed, fully and 100% to our other half? If they drink for 3 years straight and run our lives into the ground, but we said we'd stay, do we? If they acted on their feelings for someone else? Physically? Emotionally? My problem is about knowing how much to take and for how long, or if you can "work through it", how much better it might be then? What if your spouse is not physically abusive to you and the children, but berates each of you daily? What if he isn't "that" bad, but is merely controlling of your every move and won't see a therapist? What if after his mother dies, he slips into a depression, and 4 years later (which will feel like a million years by then anyway) he is still despondant, 70 pounds heavier and doesn't care about life at all? All I mean is that on that day, when we say "i do" in front of "God" and The All Important State- we also say FOREVER and we have NO IDEA what "Forever" has in store. I think we need to redo those vows, or scrap Legal Marriage altogether. It has it's benefits, but our divorce rates are screaming that something is wrong. Do we "give up" too easily? Do women change that much after they have children? Is responsibility too much for people? I have battle scars on my marriage, and I'm so GOOD with that! It's been 13 years, lots of houses, 3 miscarriages, 4 children, and pepper Other People, Unemployment, Alcohol, Irresponsibility and some Just Trying As Hard As I Can To Hold On in there with a Knowing That We Love Each Other Anyway...and here we are. Will we make it "forever"?? I don't know, I cannot see what we'll have to deal with, but I'll make the choice day by day to be married to him, and to support him the way I want to be supported...and I'll keep arguing with him in front of the kids so they can see that we can argue and still kiss at the end, I'll keep making out with him in front of them so that they can SEE what it looks like to be loved and to love and I'll keep assuring them that they are loved no matter what EVER takes place between C and I. Whew. I feel like I just pooped. Did i? Damn it! *goes to change*
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU! Great post!
EXCELLENT points, Nicki!
ReplyDeleteAnd oh hell no! I do not think I would be completely open with my husband that I have feelings for another person nor would I want to hear about his feelings for someone else! Unless you decide to have an open marriage, which I don't think is the worst idea in the world, but I couldn't do... my point is that it is totally normal to have those feelings but committing yourself to someone stops you from ACTING on those feelings. I think telling your spouse about it would just lead to hurt feelings.
But you bring up excellent points about how much is too much. I think that is something that only every individual person can decide. We all have our breaking points. We all have things that bother us more than others.
I read that there is some scandinavian country that (and I have no idea if this is actually true) has marriages that last for seven years and at the end of those seven years you can decide if you want to renew your marriage vows for another seven years or just end the marriage. Which is an interesting idea. However, marriages have their ups and downs and so if you just happened to be in a "down" at the end of the seven years you would probably end it not realizing that the next seven years COULD have been great.
Also, would it change the way people act? Knowing that it could end in a few years? Would they give themselves to each other as fully? Would it make the people try harder because they wouldn't take each other for granted? There are all sorts of issues that would bring up. (sorry that just popped into my mind.)
I wonder how many women would have gotten divorces if it was as acceptable 100 years ago as it is now.
The marriage system is far from perfect but it also seems to work for a lot of people. What would life be like if we didn't have marriages?