brian h.

This is one of those posts that I am writing for myself so that someday in the future I look back on it and remember to be a good person.

I have met many incredible people since I have started grad school. One of whom was Brian H. who was in my "cohort" when I started. Brian was young, maybe 26? And he had survived cancer. Prostate, I believe. And what was awesome about Brian is that he not only survived cancer, but he thrived. He didn't just listen to what the Western doctors told him to do. He researched and tried to heal himself as naturally as possible, including acupuncture and better diets. And he did really well. In fact his Western doctors often mentioned how they had never seen anyone deal with the chemo without getting sick before. But he did. Because he was really taking care of himself.

Well, Brian decided to drop out of our program because he was more interested in the foods and nutrition aspect of it, not so much in the acupuncture and he wanted a school that was more based on that.

Brian also ate at Chipotle a lot. Not that has anything to do with anything, I just knew he really liked it. So when he told us he was leaving the program I got him a Chipotle gift card and wrote him a little note that basically said that I was sad he was leaving the program but glad he figured out what was right for him and wished him the best of luck. And then I held on to it for a while. Because, well, I didn't know him that well. And, would it seem weird? I didn't want to be some creepy weird girl.

But then I decided screw it, and our friend Jenny was going to see him over our break and I gave her the card to give to him.

And I didn't think much more of it.

And then a few weeks later Brian popped into our classroom because he was in the neighborhood and he snuck up behind me and gave me a big hug and told me how happy my card had made him.

And that is my last memory of Brian. Because he passed away yesterday. His cancer came back. And he had a heart attack. And now he is gone. And that sucks.

It really sucks. Nothing is going to stop that from sucking. But do you know what would suck even worse? If I HADN'T given him that card. I would be regretting that so much right now.

So, Nikki Becker, my future self, I am speaking to you. If you EVER have the chance to do good in this world, to make people happy, to show people that you love them... you take it. Because it is worth possibly looking like an idiot or a weirdo and you might not get that chance again.

match.com revisited

Wanna hear something funny?

So back in the day I was on Match.com (what was that back in 2008 or 2009 or something?) and I wasn't planning on actually putting a profile up but was working on my profile and accidentally made it public and this guy responded- he was new in town and we ended up hanging out a couple of times just as friends.

And then of course in 2010 I put the profile up for real and I met Mike and the rest is history.

Here is what my profile looked like...

Nikki’s Match.com profile

About her and who she’s looking for:

I like to skydive nude.

Okay, not really. I’ve never been skydiving. Let alone naked. I went bungee jumping once but that was fully clothed. Admit it though, that first sentence got your attention. After a while these profiles can all start to sound the same.

I was reading through some of them and saw that people actually wrote “sarcasm” as a turn off! Really? I thought about putting it down as one of the languages I am fluent in.

Reading through the profiles also gave me a clearer picture of what I am looking for. For example, I tend to avoid profiles that are bitter sounding, i.e. “I’m sick and tired of games.” Or the ones that exaggerate their good qualities. You claim to be funny and clever and yet you don’t write a single funny or clever thing in your profile? Hmmm?

Yet as I sit here I realize how hard it is to come up with something clever or funny to write here. Maybe I am being a little too hard on those guys. How do you convey how totally awesome you are without sounding cocky and then explain, why, if you are so awesome, you are still single? 

Random? Yes, but a lot better than most of the profiles out there. Seriously, 95% of all the profiles say exactly the same thing.

Anywho, my friend is now on OKCupid and one of her "potential matches" that she gets sent daily had a profile that she just had to show me...

She said, "Oh my god, he put that he skydives naked as his first line too! What are the odds?!?"

Um, the odds are pretty good... considering that he is that guy that I hung out with back in 2009! The bastard stole my profile!!!

not a lot going on

Hello my lovelies,

Do you know what is a great feeling? When you have to enter a random password that you haven't entered in months and you get it right on the first try! Go me!

I think I've been waiting to update this blog until I had more exciting news to share. But since that might never happen I might as well write something!

My life is overwhelmed by school. I'm still constantly surprised at how difficult it is. Not impossible- it just takes so much more time and effort than I expect. But there was a funny moment the other day when only about half of us showed up for our Anatomy class and the teacher, Dr. Downie, made a comment about half the class being missing and I replied that "the good half is here" and Jenny modified that to "the BEST half is here." And our teacher goes, "That's true." And we all stared at him with dropped jaws. "You can't say that!"we said to him. He just shrugged and said, "Well, it's true."

It's fun being an adult learner rather than a normal student. It's also fun being in grad school because people have to really seriously want to be there. And they are all really smart.

I think my teacher thinks I am smarter than I actually am. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

And now to completely change the subject. Do you know what thought I had yesterday?

Four years ago I didn't even know that Mike existed.

And now he is a huge, main, central, integral part of my existence and day-to-day life.

And four years ago he wasn't even a glimmer on my radar. I'd never met him. I'd never heard of him. Nothing.

Makes me wonder what life could be like in five years. I mean, anything could happen. Five years ago I would have said that "in five years I would like to be married." And now I am. But my life is still nothing like I expected. And that's kind of fun.

So what do I want my life to be like in five years???
- have kids
- have a dog
- have a house in the country in Michigan
- be done with acupuncture school
- grow my own herbs/ veggies/ flowers
- have started learning sign language
- have visited China

Is it bad that is all I am coming up with? As for the rest of it, I'll just enjoy seeing what happens.

DISNEY!!!!

We're back! Sadly. I'm so very glad that we went on our quick little three and a half day vacation to Disney World and Universal Studios. It was just what we needed. It's hard to be back, especially since it is gray and miserable here in Chicago.

I don't know how normal people do Disney. I walk a ton. Over a mile each way to work. But I know a lot of people who don't. People who walk to their cars, drive to work and then walk inside. How on Earth do they survive Disney? Because you walk sooooo much there. I mean, miles upon miles upon miles. And I was so tired. A good tired. But tired. I think people should start training a few months before they go.

The other nice thing about Disney is that it is filled with shlubby Americans so you feel really attractive and put together when you are there- even if you are wearing yoga pants!

One of my favorite experiences which was new this time around was having lunch at Belle's castle in the Magic Kingdom. There's a part in the movie where they say "try the gray stuff, it's delicious!" And so for dessert I got the "Master's Cupcake" which is topped with "gray stuff."

Nowadays, being in line is almost as cool as the actual rides. My new favorite ride at Hollywood Studios is Toy Story and while waiting in line you see all sorts of larger than life toys like Lincoln Logs and a Barrel of Monkeys.

We went to Universal Studios which was not my favorite place. It is more like Great America. But Simpson's land was pretty cool.

Unfortunately, the Simpsons' ride did me in and made me very motion sick. So I was done with rides for the day. Mike, however, did a few more- including "rock it" which starts by having a completely vertical incline while you lay on your back. The part that mike loved was that you also got to pick your music that was blasted into your headrest as you go so he got to listen to Motley Crue's "Kickstart your heart" as he rode the rollercoaster.

Harry Potter world was sooooo much fun... if you are a Harry Potter fan. I'm not going to post many photos of that because I don't want to ruin it for anyone else who might be going. 

This is Mike's first taste of butter beer. Delicious! 

This is inside the castle- the stairway up to Dumbledore's office.

These are the Ron and Harry sweaters from Mrs. Weasley that you can buy in the gift shop for an exorbitant fee.

And this is the Three Broomsticks. While Mike does not look like he is having a great time- he did. It is simply that this photo was taken at the end of a very long day and minutes after he rode the Dragon ride twice in a row (with no wait) and is pretty close to throwing up as I took this pic! He never did throw up, but it took him a while to feel better.

Anyways, it was a fabulous trip. One of the things that surprised me was how religious Disney was. I don't know why that surprised me, but it did. For example, they often have characters out walking around at the parks, right? Well, in Mexico world at Epcot Center they had the Three Wise Men talking about going to see Jesus. And then at the holiday choir performance they sang songs like Silent Night instead of We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

Universal on the other hand is so different. Atheist. Disney is all about family and values. Universal is all about EXTREME and being wild.

Both were fun, mind you. Just noting the difference.

I'm already starting to plan our next trip back!

why not being able to get pregnant is the best thing that ever happened to me

You learn a lot when you have children. Things you never expected. That's a given. You learn what you are capable of and what is important. That all makes sense.

What I didn't expect was how much I would learn and grow from NOT being pregnant.

Not in a general, I've spent my life not being pregnant sort of way, but in a trying to be pregnant and not being pregnant sort of way.

As much as it sucks, I'm kind of glad I haven't gotten pregnant right away because the amount of growing I have done this year is incredible.

I've dealt with illnesses in my family and loved ones before so I understood the idea, but I've never personally dealt with something that was so out of my control. There are things that I can do to improve my odds of getting pregnant, but when push comes to shove, it is out of my control. I can't just work harder to make it happen.

I've learned acceptance. Not a "give up" sort of acceptance. But a "I can't control the whole world" sort of acceptance.

And I understood in theory how much it sucked for women who were trying to get pregnant, because I've wanted to have a baby since I was 21 years old. I understood that longing.

But until I really tried to get pregnant, I never really understood the emotions- the hope, the discouragement, the fear that it will never happen. I never truly understood about dealing with comments, usually well meaning, that are like salt in an open wound.

My empathy has grown by leaps and bounds- both in regards to women trying to get pregnant and just people in general.

If I had gotten pregnant when I first started trying- I would have a baby right now. That's crazy to think about. But I think this period of trying to get pregnant and not being able to has made me a better person and that in turn will make me a better mother when it does happen.

I also wouldn't have started acupuncture school had I gotten pregnant when I first started trying.

Sometimes things work out like they're supposed to- we just don't realize it at the time. :)

finishing up first semester

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just a quick hello

I'm not going to lie... I did NOT expect grad school to be this hard. It is legitimately hard.

But let's not focus on that. Let's focus on happy...

1. my husband can play the guitar and that is sexy as hell
2. I get to wear yoga pants all week if I want
3. I have a husband who likes to do stupid stuff like pose for silly christmas card pictures with me
4. I don't have major health problems (knock on wood!) that I am currently dealing with
5. I have a straight A average going on
6. I feel at home in my apartment
7. I have an extremely supportive family
8. my clinical counseling class makes me love the world a little bit more every week
9. my classmates are all amazing
10. I got to hang out with mike a lot this weekend
11. I got the highest grade in my class on our last test
12. I can brag on this blog cuz nobody reads it anyways! ha!
13. our new blanket is now the perfect temperature (it was a little too thick for the summer)
14. I like christmas tree lights and now they are all going up
15. I get to go to bed right now.

Do you want to see a picture that came up on the powerpoint presentation in biology last week?

Let me just say that my mind was not the only one in the gutter and there was a LOT of giggling going on!

I think I'll end on that note! Goodnight my lovelies!