so this is what 35 feels like

I keep waiting to wake up one day and actually feel like an adult. I don't think it is going to happen, or at any rate it hasn't happened yet. I kept thinking... maybe when I turn 21. Nope. Maybe when I turn 25? Not at all. Thirty? Not so much. Maybe when I got married?

Right, so I'm a kid faking it in a grown-up world. Perhaps if I got a grown-up job and had a grown-up mortgage I would feel like more of a grown-up.

But what is being a grown-up anyway? I take care of my responsibilities and bills. I think about other people's needs and don't think the whole world revolves around me. I try to make the world a better place.

For some reason in my mind I equate having a boring office job with being a grown-up. But really, that is more about being an UNHAPPY grown-up!

I'm quite happy with the life I've chosen- hence why I chose it. And while having more money would make my life easier, it wouldn't necessarily make it better. So I stick by my decisions.

Though a funny moment did happen the other day. My mom, brother and sister and I were playing euchre and my mom looks at me and goes, "Wouldn't it be funny if you were the first person in our family to get their PhD?" We all turned to her with open mouths of shock. Realizing that what she said sounded somewhat insulting, she tried to backtrack. I knew what she was getting at. I was the flighty one who became a massage therapist as opposed to my siblings who got degrees in things like engineering or masters' in human resources- you know- things they could actually make a respectable living at.

If I do go on to get my PhD, I will make my mom call me "Doctor Nikki" every time she talks to me in retaliation for that comment. Which just goes to show how not grown up I am.

All this blah-blah-blahing about growing up is because I am turning 35 tomorrow. Which I'm not too excited about. Birthdays don't usually phase me but I always wanted kids before I was 35 and that didn't happen. The part of me that gets to go to bed in 20 minutes (when my laundry is done and why I am killing time by writing this until it is done) without having to take care of anyone or be disturbed by anyone is pretty glad that I don't have kids. But the deep down yearning is still there.

Can I be honest? I'm just in a bad mood because I sat on a wet seat on the el today and the wetness soaked into the pants I was wearing and was really, really disgusting. I tried not to let it ruin my night but things kept going wrong after that. So it's that more than anything that is making me all snippy tonight.

Turning 35 is wonderful. Some people never make it to 35. They are killed by illness or violence or tragic accidents. I am soooo lucky I get to turn 35 tomorrow. Every gray hair (or glitter strand as I like to call them) and every wrinkle is a gift.

And while I don't feel particularly grown-up, I do feel like I have learned a thing or two during my years here on earth. Mainly that kindness and gratitude are the most important things in the entire world.

I am grateful that I sat on the wet seat on  the el on my way HOME from school and not to school so that I was able to go straight home and scrub myself in the shower for 15 minutes straight and then wash my pants on high heat setting right away. I am grateful that I get to go to bed in five minutes and that I have a roof over my head and a comfy bed to lay in. I am grateful that I have the most incredible husband in the world. I am grateful that we are moving on to foot points during needling class tomorrow which are less scary than wrist points. I am grateful that I have friends and family who love me and I get to go out to dinner at least four times to celebrate my birthday! I am grateful I'm alive.

over-sharing

I had a horrible nightmare the other night, that I had written something completely personal and inappropriate and shared it on facebook. 

I know some people do that, but it is so not me. 

I actually let very few people in to my life. I probably SHOULD write super personal things on facebook. It would be good for me. Get me to share and open up. 

I was thinking about that today at school. I like my classmates. I talk to my classmates. But I only have one classmate that I am truly myself with, that I am willing to be vulnerable with. 

Fuck it. What's the worst that could happen if I let myself be vulnerable?

I could get hurt. That's what could happen. 

The best things in my life have come from being vulnerable- but the worst pain has come from being vulnerable too. I'm especially thinking of dear friends that I had who I never even speak to anymore- that's their doing, not mine. And it hurts. I'm sure they have their reasons, but it hurts. 

So I'm bitter at the world today. And I'm tired. And if we are being honest, I'm a tiny bit tipsy.                

I have a teacher that intimidates the fuck out of me. Speaks like seven languages and is crazy smart. And a thought occurred to me the other day, about how she goes home alone to a lonely apartment, and it probably isn't at all the life she had dreamed for herself. She is brilliant and accomplished but she has had disappointments in life too. Crazy how we are all just human when you get down to it. 

This has been a really hard year for me and I know my problems are nothing compared to some of my friends'. But I'm frustrated and feel alone. 

And I'm throwing myself a pity party. 

I know I could reach out to my friends and then I wouldn't feel so alone. But then I wonder why it has to be me that reaches out? Why does nobody ever think to reach out to me?

It makes me sad. 

But that's life, eh?

So I'll just suck it up and tomorrow will be better. 

In the meantime I will post some photos...

This is me and my sister when we washed an elephant.

God, that was YEARS ago, but it was still one of the coolest things I have ever done. 

This is more recently at Millenium Park in Chicago. 

I love the fountains there.

And I love the little girl in the wheelchair that was playing like all the other children and having a wonderful time. 

Seriously, how can I bitch and moan when I have it so good???

This was me studying for my finals at the end of last semester.

That was just the beginning.

The room got a WHOLE lot messier!

I finally went to the Mars Cheese Castle that is just across the border in Wisconsin. It has been on my To-Do List for YEARS and it finally happened. 

My husband is pretty adorable.

And we have lovely picnics, so that's something. 

Also we go to the beach/dunes in Michigan which is my happy place. 

The funniest part about going to the dunes/beach in Michigan is that they have a children's play area but all they have in the play area is a SAND box... at the BEACH!!!!

This is Squish, our hedgehog. He is a bad influence on me and makes me drink fancy beers.

Despite what you may be thinking, this photo is not posed. 

Mike took a photo of me enjoying my nap the other day.

It really was a heavenly nap.

Anyways, that's enough for one day.

Tempted to delete this whole post, but since nobody reads it anyways I will go ahead and leave it.

my first needle!

I got to needle my first person yesterday! I've been in school for almost a full year and I finally got to needle my first person! Mind you, it was only one point, but still it was exhilarating. So much of what I have learned this year is the theory behind the points and where the actual points are and human anatomy that you need to be careful of. We literally "don't want to strike a nerve!"

We started out by practicing on inanimate objects- an orange, a piece of foam, a bunch of paper towels folded up into a block- which by the way is IMPOSSIBLE to needle. I started on the orange and felt like such a stud. "This is easy!" But then I moved on and I couldn't even get the needle into the folded paper towels, it just kept bending. Apparently there is a teacher at the school (that I haven't had yet) who is from a foreign country and she had to be able to get the needle thru the block of paper towels in 10 seconds or less before she was ever allowed to needle a human. That's old school.

We got to move on once we decided we were comfortable. First we needled our non-dominant arm and then we needled our dominant arm. We only did one point- Large Intestine 11 (which is halfway between the lateral epicondyle of the humerus and the lateral end of the cubital crease.) I totally almost passed out when I first needled it on myself. Oops. I don't know why, it just freaked me out. Receiving acupuncture doesn't bother me. But the fact that I was doing it to myself (or maybe it was because I was sitting up??) just got me all light-headed. You put the needles in far enough that you get a "qi response" which either the patient reports or you the practitioner can feel. I could strongly sense the the qi getting activated. Anywho, I did some breathing exercises and calmed myself down and was fine.

Then came the big step... needling someone else. My partner, Jenny, decided at first that she wasn't ready to needle someone else, but she was willing to let me try. It was so scary!!! But then I took a deep breath and just did it. And it was totally fine. And I liked it. I wasn't sure how I would feel about putting needles in someone but I didn't mind it- especially when I know how beneficially it can be.

And Jenny was encouraged by my success and worked up the nerve to do it to me. And that went well too!

One of my classmates did manage to bruise their partner when they needled them. Oops! Soooo glad that wasn't me!

A year from now I will probably have put 1000 needles in people and I won't even remember how scared I was and how proud of myself I was for sticking one little needle in. But it was pretty awesome.

the end of an era

So Monday afternoon I got an acupuncture treatment and it was lovely. I left feeling all relaxed and zen and then checked my voicemails to find out that I no longer had a job. What?!? It was quite the blow. The spa that I have worked at for 10+ years closed permanently on Monday with absolutely no warning. I mean, yes, I knew that they had been struggling financially throughout the years, but I thought we were doing better. I'd been busy when I was there. I hadn't heard any talk recently about problems.

I had my last day there and didn't even know it was my last day. No goodbyes. No closure.

At least my last few weeks there were awesome. All of my massages went really well and I was super happy. So that's how I will remember it.

And I have to say, I am rather proud of myself on how I have handled this. It's like I'm a grown up or something. :) But I found out on Monday and then had to take midterms on Tuesday and Thursday that I totally rocked and by Friday I had found a new place to work.

The problem with the job that I just left is that it was my dream job. The other therapists I worked with were amazing and the love and support I got from them made work so enjoyable. Made life so enjoyable. My clients were lovely. It was a healthy, relaxed atmosphere. And they were cool with me working only two days a week.

I scoured the want ads for a while and everything sounded horrible. Starting from scratch just made me want to cry. Dealing with spas that try to force you to sell beauty products to your clients goes against everything I believe in. I finally realized what I had to do... I had to go off on my own.

So now I'm renting an acupuncturist's office on Sundays when he's not there. I have the whole place to myself. I checked it out on Friday and it has a good vibe to it. Not super fancy but it has a good vibe to it. I already set up a webpage and am gonna order business cards tonight. I contacted a few of my regular clients (whose info I had, my boss won't give me any contact info of other clients) to let them know how to contact me if they want a massage.

I haven't even been unemployed a week and already I have a plan. And things are going to be alright.

Change is scary but it can be good, right? It's a chance for me to run things like I want to run them. And give me a taste so I will know if I really want to run my own place when I am out of school or not.

So it's been a big, scary, stressful week. But good stuff is happening.

50th anniversary party

This past weekend was my parents' 50th wedding anniversary party. 

50 friggin' years.

I've only been married to Mike for two years and already we have so many memories and experiences together. Can you imagine what you have shared and lived through by the time you get to fifty??

My dad wanted a party. My mom hates parties.

We compromised by having a "simple" backyard BBQ.

Except we never have a simple backyard BBQ.

We did skip the bouncy room and dunk tank this time around but we did get an ice cream cart (stocked to the gills!) and a popcorn machine (which Brian already had expert knowledge of since he is in charge of that for their church fundraisers) and a pretzel warmer and hotdog and bun steamer (just like at the ballpark!)

 All of my nephews and nieces were in town. And let me tell you something. Kids are really weird. I mean, the stuff that comes out of their mouths. So weird. 

But it totally changes the energy when you have kids around vs just adults. 

I overhead someone at the party say that only 5% of all married couple reach the 50 year anniversary mark. Mike and I both have parents who have reached that mark. I'd be lying if I said that didn't affect me. Would I have this stupid plucky optimism that I have about love if my parents weren't still married? Probably not. 

I don't often think about what my parents have taught me about marriage. Rather I think about what they taught me about family. We certainly don't have the same views on everything but that doesn't matter. Family is about showing up and supporting each other. And we manage to have a fair bit of fun together too. 

HERBS!!!

You know, if it weren't for herbs, I might actually like school. 

And here's the thing... I find my herbs classes to be FASCINATING. 

Seriously, this stuff is straight out of Harry Potter.

It's just really, really hard. And I haven't figured out a way to memorize them all yet. 

I'm still hoping that it just clicks. Or that repetition does the trick. 

We were slow in the clinic the other day so my advisor asked me what herbs I knew. I stared at her for a second with a deer in the headlights sort of look. I seriously thought she was asking me to recite back every single herb I had learned! Sometimes they just like to test you like that- keep you on your toes! Turns out she just wanted to know if I had taken Herbs 1 yet. Which I have. So she sent me over to the Herb room to study and clean the shelves. Doesn't it look fun?

Each jar contains a different raw herb. They range in texture from powders to twigs. I'll admit that a fair number of them are brownish but there are some really pretty ones too. I found some "indigo" powder that was a gorgeous blue. 

There are hundreds of herbs. Some are very pretty like this one.

It's called Ju Hua. Otherwise known as Chrysanthemum flower. 

 Nice, right?

And then of course, there is this guy...

That was Chan Tui.

Otherwise known as cicada shell! Yum!

Very few clients elect to actually get the raw herbs, they prefer them in granule form that we mix from this set of shelves. 

However, we still have to learn to identify and know the properties of every single herb. 

And it's really, really hard. Have I mentioned that? For our midterm the teacher will take about 30 samples of the herbs we have learned and will have them sitting in little piles on the table with a number next to them and we have to know which herb is which just by looking at them and smelling and touching them. But of course they never give you the super easy ones like the chrysanthemum or cicada that I just showed you. Instead it will probably be one of these three...

Without the other two sitting next to it to compare it to, could you tell which one was which?

Like I said, herbs are hard. 

thinking about you

So here's a thought for you... how many people do you think thought about you today?

You might assume that your significant other did. Sure. Probably some of your friends. That's reasonable. Maybe a family member or a coworker.

But then I was thinking about all the random people that I think and wonder about on a daily basis. There are some that I think about all the time. Old friends, ex-boyfriends, classmates. I also have this weird thing that when I am massaging my clients' legs I often think about my old roommate- even though I have no association between massaging legs and my old roommate. They just pop into my head.

I think about clients I haven't seen in five years. I think about that girl on my soccer team when I was 10 years old. I think about my grade school friend's older sister. I think about the lady who rides the bus at the same time as me whom I've never even made eye contact with. I think about the teacher in college that I never even took a class with. I think about my landlord and my former landlord and the one before that. I think about my old waitress at the restaurant by my work. I think about members who I used to check in at the gym. I think about my ex-boyfriend's coworkers.

I don't think about all those people EVERY day. But I must think about hundreds of people a day. Well, at least a hundred.

And so it's very possible that 100 people thought about me today.

That's weird to me.