so this is what 35 feels like

I keep waiting to wake up one day and actually feel like an adult. I don't think it is going to happen, or at any rate it hasn't happened yet. I kept thinking... maybe when I turn 21. Nope. Maybe when I turn 25? Not at all. Thirty? Not so much. Maybe when I got married?

Right, so I'm a kid faking it in a grown-up world. Perhaps if I got a grown-up job and had a grown-up mortgage I would feel like more of a grown-up.

But what is being a grown-up anyway? I take care of my responsibilities and bills. I think about other people's needs and don't think the whole world revolves around me. I try to make the world a better place.

For some reason in my mind I equate having a boring office job with being a grown-up. But really, that is more about being an UNHAPPY grown-up!

I'm quite happy with the life I've chosen- hence why I chose it. And while having more money would make my life easier, it wouldn't necessarily make it better. So I stick by my decisions.

Though a funny moment did happen the other day. My mom, brother and sister and I were playing euchre and my mom looks at me and goes, "Wouldn't it be funny if you were the first person in our family to get their PhD?" We all turned to her with open mouths of shock. Realizing that what she said sounded somewhat insulting, she tried to backtrack. I knew what she was getting at. I was the flighty one who became a massage therapist as opposed to my siblings who got degrees in things like engineering or masters' in human resources- you know- things they could actually make a respectable living at.

If I do go on to get my PhD, I will make my mom call me "Doctor Nikki" every time she talks to me in retaliation for that comment. Which just goes to show how not grown up I am.

All this blah-blah-blahing about growing up is because I am turning 35 tomorrow. Which I'm not too excited about. Birthdays don't usually phase me but I always wanted kids before I was 35 and that didn't happen. The part of me that gets to go to bed in 20 minutes (when my laundry is done and why I am killing time by writing this until it is done) without having to take care of anyone or be disturbed by anyone is pretty glad that I don't have kids. But the deep down yearning is still there.

Can I be honest? I'm just in a bad mood because I sat on a wet seat on the el today and the wetness soaked into the pants I was wearing and was really, really disgusting. I tried not to let it ruin my night but things kept going wrong after that. So it's that more than anything that is making me all snippy tonight.

Turning 35 is wonderful. Some people never make it to 35. They are killed by illness or violence or tragic accidents. I am soooo lucky I get to turn 35 tomorrow. Every gray hair (or glitter strand as I like to call them) and every wrinkle is a gift.

And while I don't feel particularly grown-up, I do feel like I have learned a thing or two during my years here on earth. Mainly that kindness and gratitude are the most important things in the entire world.

I am grateful that I sat on the wet seat on  the el on my way HOME from school and not to school so that I was able to go straight home and scrub myself in the shower for 15 minutes straight and then wash my pants on high heat setting right away. I am grateful that I get to go to bed in five minutes and that I have a roof over my head and a comfy bed to lay in. I am grateful that I have the most incredible husband in the world. I am grateful that we are moving on to foot points during needling class tomorrow which are less scary than wrist points. I am grateful that I have friends and family who love me and I get to go out to dinner at least four times to celebrate my birthday! I am grateful I'm alive.