take that, non productivity! I just kicked your ass!

Well now, just one and a half hours and my day went from being sort of productive to being EXTREMELY productive!

I just earned 9 credit hours from taking online courses. I learned information about colon hydrotherapy and about carpal tunnel syndrome. And I didn't have to sit through a long and painful class to do it!

I love school. I love classes. I love taking hands-on massage classes. Taking massage classes where you just learn information though is about as painful as it gets. And I love my fellow massage therapists but let's admit it- we are an odd bunch and the majority of them didn't do so well in school. The questions they ask in class make me want to ram my head against a wall- especially because it is usually something the teacher just finished explaining and they simply weren't paying attention.

The solution? Online classes. I get to read the course material at my own pace and then there is an open book quiz at the end that I need to pass. No stupid questions by classmates. No teachers trying to stretch out the material to make it last the necessary six hours to give us our full credits.

I just spent an hour and a half and earned NINE credit hours. That's a beautiful thing. And it is a major thing to check off of my "to do" list.

So who cares if my writing didn't go that well today and I ended up watching Alice in Wonderland (the original Disney cartoon version which is seriously trippy!) for a good part of the afternoon.

I earned NINE credit hours! I was productive! Go me! Oh how quickly a day can turn around! And I didn't start being productive till after 7 PM! Just goes to show that it is never too late.

responsibility

Holy crap! Emerald Dry Roasted Almonds are amazing! I so was not expecting that. I picked some up because a handful of almonds is supposed to be a great high-energy mid-afternoon snack. I'd been eating the non-salted generic brand before which were fine, but these have some awesome flavorful coating on them and they rock. Yes! That was just what my belly needed!

Do you know what I was thinking today? Yeah? Then why are you bothering to read my blog. Stupid mind readers.

Anyways, I really thought that I'd be more responsible by now.

That's not entirely a fair statement. Because I'm not irresponsible. Irresponsible would mean that I had obligations and was not fulfilling them. (My siblings and my lack of yard work when I lived with them might beg to differ, but piss off, I'm not doing things that make me break out in hives!)

So it isn't exactly that I am irresponsible. I pay my bills and I get up and go to work and do a good job. I write my grandma letters and make time for my family. My apartment stays (fairly) tidy. My checkbook is balanced.

I just don't happen to have kids or a car or a house. Which apparently are the signs of being responsible. At least in my mind. I don't think of my friends who don't have these things as irresponsible, just myself. That's what it will take for me to become a "grown up." No matter how old I get, until I have those three things, I will not consider myself a grown up.

But I'll let you in on a little secret... not being a grown up is pretty damn fun! I look forward to the day when I become one but until then, this doesn't suck. :)

CTA

People who talk about how much they love the world and how much they love their fellow man, are obviously people who don't have to ride public transportation.

Just sayin'.

Now it's true that I do see good things while on public transportation on occasion. I do. There are things that tug at my heart strings and there are things that open my eyes.

But there are also things that make me want to ram my head into a wall, repeatedly and forcefully.

Today was one of those days. Have you ever noticed that when someone doesn't have a very strong argument, they resort to yelling their stupid opinions louder, as if more volume will give them more validity?

There are times when I hate the world that I live in. Because the world that I WANT to live in is a place where I see the good in everyone and realize that everyone is a human being with wants and desires and fears and who is just trying to make their way in this hard, confusing world. But the world that I DO live in, is a place filled with crazy people where you don't have the time or opportunity to get to know them and instead are focused on self preservation and survival. I don't want that to be the case. And when you deal with people one on one, that isn't the case. You see one homeless person on the street in a small town, you can help them. You get on a bus full of crazy people, you just try to make it to your stop without dying.

So I get upset when I ride public transportation because I have to deal with angry and ignorant people for starters, but because I am also not being the person that I want to be- someone who helps the situation get better.

Today an overweight hispanic woman and a young (not very good smelling) black man were SHOUTING back and forth at each other. It started innocently enough. The black man was hitting on some woman (this was before I got on the bus) who wasn't interested in him and asked him to leave her alone. He persisted. The hispanic woman jumped in and told him to leave the woman alone because she obviously wasn't interested.

Simple enough, right?

And you have to commend that woman for trying to help a fellow passenger/woman from being harassed.

However, she broke cardinal rule number one: never initiate conversations with crazy people on public transportation.

It of course ended, as it always does, with him threatening her with bodily harm and them yelling insults at each other, him getting out his mace and telling her that if she touches him that he will use it and her taunting him for being worthless and not having a job.

It was ugly.

It was loud.

It broke my heart.

It also made me think that "conflict resolution" would be an EXTREMELY beneficial thing for them to be teaching in school these days since people's only current solution seems to be shouting their opinions and repeating them over and over again over the other person's talking.

There are so many facets of my life that I have control over. I can make my relationships with my family and friends and coworkers and clients be beautiful and wonderful and fulfilling things. I can create beauty. I can strive to help people. I can listen. I can love.

And that's all well and good.

But I want to do more.

I want to be the voice of reason that calms people down on the bus. I want to be the girl that helps that boy see his true worth. I want to be the girl that helps him see that harassing that girl is not a good thing. I want to be the girl who helps that hispanic woman have compassion for the young man who doesn't have that much going for him at the moment.

Instead, I'm the girl who avoids eye contact and breaks out her headphones because the yelling is giving her a headache.

I often do a self-reflection type thing before bed. Usually I will ask myself what I am thankful for that day. I think maybe I need to start asking myself, "Was I the "me" that I want to be today?"

Today I give myself about a 75%. I avoided any and all conflict on the bus (which, in my defense, had I tried to butt in, would have just led to more fighting and yelling) which I am not proud of. But I did get some good writing done and I did make my best friend laugh and I did volunteer and give a free massage to a woman with cancer.

Not a bad day. But not 100% either.

I guess I have a reason to get up tomorrow- there is more work to be done!

heat wave = me not doing a dang thing

Okay, for real, how do people that live in hot climates get anything done?

I haven't even been outside yet today, apart from opening the window to water the plants, and I am about to pass out from the heat. Yes, I say that non-ironically while sitting in my pseudo air conditioning. I say "pseudo" because it doesn't work that well. The heat just makes you tired. So tired. So very, very tired.

I did about an hour's worth of writing and a few loads of laundry and I am feeling okay with calling that a day. That's pathetic!

At least I KNOW it's pathetic and am not walking around saying, "Whoa! Look at me! Look at what I got accomplished today!" Eating shelled peanuts and watching Field of Dreams does not a productive day make.

Oh well, I guess there's still time to change that. Let's go do something!

cleaning out the house

My parents are moving back. My parents, whom I learned to be a packrat from, are moving back, with ALL of their stuff.

Thus I decided that I needed to go through all of my stuff in Oak Park and get rid of as much of it as I could. Three bags of trash, one pile of giveaways and countless trips out to the recycling bin and I am pretty proud of myself. Of course, I still have way too much stuff.

How do I get rid of this stuff that makes me smile so big every time I see it?

There is a love letter from my dad. I was at a retreat my senior year of high school and all my friends and family had written me love letters and at one point during the retreat we sat down and read them. My dad NEVER talks about his feelings or says sweet things to me so this letter means a lot.

"Dear Nikki,

I'm not sure why other people have kids. Maybe it is to satisfy some deep biological urge, or to relive their childhoods over again, or maybe it is a way to show they are grown-up. However, I think your mother and I have kids because it was the way we were raised, it was the right thing to do, and it was our calling, our vocation. I have never felt cheated, that my children took away from other things I could have done. To the contrary, I feel very blessed that I have been entrusted with your care and with that of your brothers and sisters. If there is any burden you have made it very light indeed.

You have made me proud and happy on so many occasions. For instance, in Dr. Showel's office when we were learning about your mom's condition. I imagine you were very scared yet you all were so brave, so very supportive and trying your best to learn how you could help. That day I had to mentally step back and look at you all surrounding your mother and feel very good for her as well as for myself. No matter what we were going to be a very together family.

I am also proud of your academics. I'll take what you've done, especially the way you have persevered in your math classes. I hope you have had your share of "aha" experiences, when suddenly everything becomes clear. Also I hope it gave you confidence that you can accomplish difficult and complex things in life.

I look forward to the coming soccer season. I know that you will have a great season. You will be a good leader. Your teammates have all the confidence in the world in you. I think everybody feels that everytime you set up in the box you are capable of scoring a goal. You should have that confidence too, you have certainly prepared yourself for it. After all success is when preparedness meets opportunity.

I want you to know that I love you, that I have since holding you right after your birth and that I am very very proud to be your father.

Love

Dad."

I obviously can't get rid of that.

But even other things. Stupid notes that my friends wrote me in high school. Katie Cerullo was one of my favorite people of all times and she tragically died at an early age. Memories and those notes are all I have.

Then there is stupid stuff that I really should get rid of but I find too amusing to look back on. I found a scrap of paper from 10/06/2006- it was my schedule for work that day and it was obviously a slow day at work (only one client) so I had been doodling and writing on my schedule.

The first thing I had written was:

She stood on tiptoes

to be closer to the stars.

Oh my gosh! I LOVE that! Have I ever told you of my secret dream to write greeting cards or things like the Storytime people?!?

Then there is a conversation between two people:

Which way?

To what?

Towards my future?

There is no path.

Yes, that means

you can't get

lost and you

can't get stuck

and you can

go anywhere.

What if I don't

know how to get

where I want?

You try a path

and it that doesn't

work you try

another path

and you just

keep trying.

But I'll give you

a hint... there

is no "there"

because life doesn't

stop once you get

married or get

the perfect job

And THEN there was a doodle I had drawn of a cute little bunny and next to it were the words "The rabbit knows too much"

Funny things come out of slow days at work!

all better

My day is all better. I know you guys were worried, anxiously biting your nails over it. But do not fear, my day is going much more smoothly.

I have gotten the majority of the crazy glue off of my fingers (don't ask!)

I laid down to take a nap, which didn't happen but I did get to lie there for twenty minutes or so until my phone rang. It was my mom and we had a great conversation. Who knew that talking to my mom was going to be the thing to cheer me up?

Then after I got of the phone call I checked my email and had a big long email from a friend.

Ahhhh! I just feel better. Thank goodness.

low self-esteem

Today's song is "Jolene" by Ray Lamontagne.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdT9uzfTRM0

Do you ever have a song that just fits for the day? Not necessarily the lyrics but the FEEL of the song? Well, this is my song today.

I'm so NOT in love with today.

I'm having a low self-esteem sort of day. Which, for those of you who know me, is not usually my problem. I tend to see the best in people, and that extends to myself.

Not today.

My boyfriend, who usually has the uncanny ability to always say the right thing, did NOT say the right thing last night.

He came and watched my soccer game on Sunday. And I played well. Not outstanding. But considering it was 8 AM on a Sunday morning, 90 degrees out, I'm out of shape, we only had one girl sub and I was guarding a boy on the other team who was crazy good and unbelievably fast (and who was also beating all the boys on my team)-- I did a pretty damn good job. Sure, I had a few mistakes but I wasn't diving in or doing anything stupid.

So what did Mike say last night when the subject of the game came up for some reason? He said, "Well, um, you really hustled." Seriously? That's the equivalent of saying that an ugly person has a nice personality. I'd love to see his lazy ass out there. Grrrr. Can you tell that I'm still upset about it?

That just added to an already not great feeling that I had going on. It's so bad in fact that I was tempted to write a status update on Facebook. You've all seen them... the ones that are basically cries for help where the person writes "I'm so lame" and all their friends respond with "no you're not, you're totally awesome!" but those posts annoy the crap out of me so I didn't.

I'm feeling super down about my writing lately. It's crap. I'm okay with not being a brilliant writer yet. I'm still learning and improving and working on it. But I'm worried that I'm NEVER going to get any better. And that is disheartening me and making me not want to write at all.

And then to top it off, I have been bloated and feeling like a lard ass lately. When I went to drop off some books at the library this weekend- which is connected to a park- there were some black teenagers sitting around and I heard them say, "Damn, look at the booty on that girl!" Not in a super complimentary way either, more as in a shocked that a white girl could get an ass that big sort of way.

That was NOT what I needed.

I don't usually share my vulnerabilities and doubts. I don't like to admit to having weaknesses. I don't like admitting that I'm not 100% awesome and self-confident at all times. But I'm hoping if I just write them down and get them out there, they will stop gnawing at me.

Here's hopin'.