Puerto Rico- family vacation for parents' 50th anniversary

So I almost don't even want to tell you guys about my trip, because I will just sound like a bragging asshole, but it was absolutely amazing. A true bit of tropical paradise. 

We went down to Puerto Rico with my entire immediate family (all my siblings with their spouses and children, my parents as well as an aunt, a cousin and my nephew's girlfriend.) So that was 26 of us separated into two gorgeous vacation homes that were next door to each other on a resort in Puerto Rico about an hour from San Juan. 

This is the fort at San Juan. This is the picture that is on their license plates. 

This is the view off of our deck at one of the houses. 

This is (almost, my mom is missing) all of us in one of the pools. 

The entire trip was pretty amazing but one of the highlights was going "hiking" in the rainforest and then zip lining down. Um... so I was so not prepared for what we had to do. My sister had described it as a one-mile hike. No biggie, right? 

WRONG! It was basically climbing up a waterfall for a mile. We climbed up a river. A lot of it was almost totally vertical climbing, with water rushing down at us. It is an absolute miracle that I didn't sprain an ankle on all of the slippery rocks. 

It really was an adventure of a life time. 

We spent a lot of time just lounging around the houses, because they were amazing. But we did make another day trip out on a boat to go snorkeling around these two private islands. It wasn't the best snorkeling because the water was a bit stirred up. But let me tell you, crappy snorkeling in Puerto Rico in January is still a hell of a lot better than anything in Chicago in January.

The only bad part about the resort we stayed at is that the beaches were full of seaweed and therefore didn't smell that great and you didn't want to go swimming there. We had pools so it didn't matter and we got to go on the beaches during our day out snorkeling. But the beaches at the resort were perfect for horseback riding! 

The other thing we did was have "house olympics" since we were divided into two houses. We played all sorts of games including my personal favorite which was called "what's in my hair." It was a game that my sister Sam actually made up. One person wears a shower cap and "safety glasses" which were just funny glasses. Another person has one minute to put an entire can of shaving cream onto the person with the shower cap's head and then a third person has to try and throw cheese balls so that they stick in the shaving cream. The team with the most cheese balls stuck after two minutes wins. 

Technically, my team lost, but I'm pretty sure everyone is a winner in that game! 

And again, this is the view from our house. And no, it really never gets old. I could (and did) stare at this for days!

 And now I'm back in Chicago after having my first flight cancelled and almost having my second one cancelled due to the crew working too many hours. Then we had to sit on the tarmac for 45 minutes at 1:30 AM because there were no gates available. I finally got home and now I have the killer cold that my dad had. Luckily (?) school and volleyball are cancelled tomorrow because of the extreme cold. Welcome back to Chicago, I guess! I'm already looking forward to our next family trip in five years! 

I miss the old christmases

Do you remember when Christmas used to be fun and magical?

Christmas as an adult is different. It's expensive. And exhausting. And emotional.

That's not to say it's not lovely. It's still fun. I still enjoy parts of it. I do. Really.

But when we were at my aunt's house last night I got pretty down. I had been doing really well, but last night it was baby central. It seems like all of my cousins (who are younger than me) are popping out babies. There were four babies under the age of 2 years-old there last night. And lots of happy aunts/grandmas cooing and cuddling them and it was sweet. And I wanted to punch them all in the face.

And then Mike sees me get upset and then he gets upset. And then I think about all the people who are single and how hard it might be for them to be there pretending it is all great. And then I think about all the people with anxiety and other problems who struggle to be in those situations and how hard it is for them. And then I think about all the people who are missing someone who has passed away and how hard it is for them.

Like I said, do you remember when Christmas used to be fun and magical?

I have an amazing life. I have the best husband ever. But that doesn't stop me from getting sad sometimes. As much as my brain tries to convince my heart to be happy, it doesn't always get with the program.

Was 2014 a good year? It was a hard year. Lots of hurdles. Lots of challenges. Lots of being in limbo, especially in regards to Mike opening his restaurant, which I have no control over.

It wasn't a bad year. I did lots of growing. I totally rocked this school year. I learned more than I ever thought capable. And I did pass my comps, by the way!

But given the choice, I would not repeat this year. I'm glad to have it behind me.

I could post about the awesome presents I got for Christmas, and the amazing dinners my husband cooks me and tell you about my upcoming trip to Puerto Rico. I could paint a picture that would make you super envious of my life. But that's what Facebook is for! Ha! Here on my blog, you get the more balanced picture. Yes, my life is amazing, but I'm a little down right now. And that's okay.

Balance is good. It makes you appreciate what you have. And right now I have a bed that is calling my name!

I hope everyone reading this had a wonderful Christmas and found more reasons to smile than to cry this year.

winter break! woohoo!

A friend just complained that I haven't updated this since September... so in honor of the one person that actually still checks this, here goes...

I just finished my "hell week" which was actually more like two weeks. I had six finals and then my "comps" the big scary end of the year test (which consists of eight different sections) which you need to pass to move on in the program. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I had to know the locations and actions of over 200 acupuncture points. I had to know the Chinese and Latin names of over 200 herbs as well as their functions and I had to be able to identify them based on their looks. And I had to try and remember something about how to practice Chinese medicine and the theory behind it. I haven't gotten my grades back yet but the only portion that I bombed was actually the bio-science portion which is odd because that's one of my strengths. However, the questions were not at all relevant to what I am going to be doing in real life so I'm not that upset about not doing well on it. For example, one of the questions was which type of plant is more common: angiosperms or gymnosperms? There were four possible answers but I ruled out whatever the other two were. And then I just had to guess. Because WHO FUCKING CARES??? How is that going to matter as an acupuncturist? I just looked up the answer and it is that there are more known species of angiosperms that all other types of plants combined. So I got that right, so maybe I got lucky on some others too? Fingers crossed!

Here are all the herbs I had to learn!

Now I'm on vacation. And it's lovely. And I don't know what to do with myself! I'm almost done reading my first book. I have several more lined up. Vacation is lovely. Oh, I already mentioned that. Well, it is!

I went to the eye doctor yesterday and she had me do the Snellen chart (I bet you didn't know that had a name!) where you read the letters that she has on the far side of the room. And I was able to read the bottom line so she put up an even smaller line and I could read that too! She told me that she only asks people who have had Lasik if they can read that one- it means I have 20/15 vision! Woohoo! Seriously, getting Lasik was the best thing I ever did. She told me that a lot of professional athletes are coming in and getting Lasik to TRY to get to 20/15 vision to give them an advantage!

Christmas is coming and I'm very much looking forward to it. What's your favorite part about Christmas? Mine in my stocking! My parents' rule was that you only got stockings while you were in school but I love them so much that Santa (my sister!) took over for them and has continued to fill it year after year. Did I tell you that I got Mike a Justin Bieber stocking? He hates it, but I think in twenty years time when it becomes "retro" that it will be awesome. You have to think ahead on things like this.

I got really pissed at a client the other day. She wanted super duper amounts of pressure. More than I wanted to give her, but she was adamant and said it felt great and was really helping and how she gets migraines when people massage her with less pressure. So I gave it to her. And then she complained later that she was really, really sore. No fuck! Grrrrr!

Mike and I are already plotting ideas for next year's christmas card. Some of Mike's friends didn't realize that this year's was a Word Find puzzle. How do you NOT realize that it is a word find puzzle? It SAYS it is a word find puzzle. It has a list of words. It looks like a word find puzzle. I don't understand. Well, they are all stoners so perhaps that has something to do with it.

There is no room in our tiny apartment for a Christmas tree, so I "put up" at tree on our fridge. I was going to decorate it with paper ornaments and garland but Mike had the great idea of using the Christmas cards we receive as "ornaments." It turned out kinda cute, all things considered, but we are running out of room.

Speaking of Mike, he is doing well- as I type this he is off talking to a chef he hopes to hire. We are just waiting on one teeny tiny stupid woopid permit from the City of Chicago zoning department and then we can get our small business loan! Again, fingers crossed!

Alright, buddy (you know who you are!), I've posted something, are you happy now?

Merry Christmas everyone!

so this is what 35 feels like

I keep waiting to wake up one day and actually feel like an adult. I don't think it is going to happen, or at any rate it hasn't happened yet. I kept thinking... maybe when I turn 21. Nope. Maybe when I turn 25? Not at all. Thirty? Not so much. Maybe when I got married?

Right, so I'm a kid faking it in a grown-up world. Perhaps if I got a grown-up job and had a grown-up mortgage I would feel like more of a grown-up.

But what is being a grown-up anyway? I take care of my responsibilities and bills. I think about other people's needs and don't think the whole world revolves around me. I try to make the world a better place.

For some reason in my mind I equate having a boring office job with being a grown-up. But really, that is more about being an UNHAPPY grown-up!

I'm quite happy with the life I've chosen- hence why I chose it. And while having more money would make my life easier, it wouldn't necessarily make it better. So I stick by my decisions.

Though a funny moment did happen the other day. My mom, brother and sister and I were playing euchre and my mom looks at me and goes, "Wouldn't it be funny if you were the first person in our family to get their PhD?" We all turned to her with open mouths of shock. Realizing that what she said sounded somewhat insulting, she tried to backtrack. I knew what she was getting at. I was the flighty one who became a massage therapist as opposed to my siblings who got degrees in things like engineering or masters' in human resources- you know- things they could actually make a respectable living at.

If I do go on to get my PhD, I will make my mom call me "Doctor Nikki" every time she talks to me in retaliation for that comment. Which just goes to show how not grown up I am.

All this blah-blah-blahing about growing up is because I am turning 35 tomorrow. Which I'm not too excited about. Birthdays don't usually phase me but I always wanted kids before I was 35 and that didn't happen. The part of me that gets to go to bed in 20 minutes (when my laundry is done and why I am killing time by writing this until it is done) without having to take care of anyone or be disturbed by anyone is pretty glad that I don't have kids. But the deep down yearning is still there.

Can I be honest? I'm just in a bad mood because I sat on a wet seat on the el today and the wetness soaked into the pants I was wearing and was really, really disgusting. I tried not to let it ruin my night but things kept going wrong after that. So it's that more than anything that is making me all snippy tonight.

Turning 35 is wonderful. Some people never make it to 35. They are killed by illness or violence or tragic accidents. I am soooo lucky I get to turn 35 tomorrow. Every gray hair (or glitter strand as I like to call them) and every wrinkle is a gift.

And while I don't feel particularly grown-up, I do feel like I have learned a thing or two during my years here on earth. Mainly that kindness and gratitude are the most important things in the entire world.

I am grateful that I sat on the wet seat on  the el on my way HOME from school and not to school so that I was able to go straight home and scrub myself in the shower for 15 minutes straight and then wash my pants on high heat setting right away. I am grateful that I get to go to bed in five minutes and that I have a roof over my head and a comfy bed to lay in. I am grateful that I have the most incredible husband in the world. I am grateful that we are moving on to foot points during needling class tomorrow which are less scary than wrist points. I am grateful that I have friends and family who love me and I get to go out to dinner at least four times to celebrate my birthday! I am grateful I'm alive.

over-sharing

I had a horrible nightmare the other night, that I had written something completely personal and inappropriate and shared it on facebook. 

I know some people do that, but it is so not me. 

I actually let very few people in to my life. I probably SHOULD write super personal things on facebook. It would be good for me. Get me to share and open up. 

I was thinking about that today at school. I like my classmates. I talk to my classmates. But I only have one classmate that I am truly myself with, that I am willing to be vulnerable with. 

Fuck it. What's the worst that could happen if I let myself be vulnerable?

I could get hurt. That's what could happen. 

The best things in my life have come from being vulnerable- but the worst pain has come from being vulnerable too. I'm especially thinking of dear friends that I had who I never even speak to anymore- that's their doing, not mine. And it hurts. I'm sure they have their reasons, but it hurts. 

So I'm bitter at the world today. And I'm tired. And if we are being honest, I'm a tiny bit tipsy.                

I have a teacher that intimidates the fuck out of me. Speaks like seven languages and is crazy smart. And a thought occurred to me the other day, about how she goes home alone to a lonely apartment, and it probably isn't at all the life she had dreamed for herself. She is brilliant and accomplished but she has had disappointments in life too. Crazy how we are all just human when you get down to it. 

This has been a really hard year for me and I know my problems are nothing compared to some of my friends'. But I'm frustrated and feel alone. 

And I'm throwing myself a pity party. 

I know I could reach out to my friends and then I wouldn't feel so alone. But then I wonder why it has to be me that reaches out? Why does nobody ever think to reach out to me?

It makes me sad. 

But that's life, eh?

So I'll just suck it up and tomorrow will be better. 

In the meantime I will post some photos...

This is me and my sister when we washed an elephant.

God, that was YEARS ago, but it was still one of the coolest things I have ever done. 

This is more recently at Millenium Park in Chicago. 

I love the fountains there.

And I love the little girl in the wheelchair that was playing like all the other children and having a wonderful time. 

Seriously, how can I bitch and moan when I have it so good???

This was me studying for my finals at the end of last semester.

That was just the beginning.

The room got a WHOLE lot messier!

I finally went to the Mars Cheese Castle that is just across the border in Wisconsin. It has been on my To-Do List for YEARS and it finally happened. 

My husband is pretty adorable.

And we have lovely picnics, so that's something. 

Also we go to the beach/dunes in Michigan which is my happy place. 

The funniest part about going to the dunes/beach in Michigan is that they have a children's play area but all they have in the play area is a SAND box... at the BEACH!!!!

This is Squish, our hedgehog. He is a bad influence on me and makes me drink fancy beers.

Despite what you may be thinking, this photo is not posed. 

Mike took a photo of me enjoying my nap the other day.

It really was a heavenly nap.

Anyways, that's enough for one day.

Tempted to delete this whole post, but since nobody reads it anyways I will go ahead and leave it.

my first needle!

I got to needle my first person yesterday! I've been in school for almost a full year and I finally got to needle my first person! Mind you, it was only one point, but still it was exhilarating. So much of what I have learned this year is the theory behind the points and where the actual points are and human anatomy that you need to be careful of. We literally "don't want to strike a nerve!"

We started out by practicing on inanimate objects- an orange, a piece of foam, a bunch of paper towels folded up into a block- which by the way is IMPOSSIBLE to needle. I started on the orange and felt like such a stud. "This is easy!" But then I moved on and I couldn't even get the needle into the folded paper towels, it just kept bending. Apparently there is a teacher at the school (that I haven't had yet) who is from a foreign country and she had to be able to get the needle thru the block of paper towels in 10 seconds or less before she was ever allowed to needle a human. That's old school.

We got to move on once we decided we were comfortable. First we needled our non-dominant arm and then we needled our dominant arm. We only did one point- Large Intestine 11 (which is halfway between the lateral epicondyle of the humerus and the lateral end of the cubital crease.) I totally almost passed out when I first needled it on myself. Oops. I don't know why, it just freaked me out. Receiving acupuncture doesn't bother me. But the fact that I was doing it to myself (or maybe it was because I was sitting up??) just got me all light-headed. You put the needles in far enough that you get a "qi response" which either the patient reports or you the practitioner can feel. I could strongly sense the the qi getting activated. Anywho, I did some breathing exercises and calmed myself down and was fine.

Then came the big step... needling someone else. My partner, Jenny, decided at first that she wasn't ready to needle someone else, but she was willing to let me try. It was so scary!!! But then I took a deep breath and just did it. And it was totally fine. And I liked it. I wasn't sure how I would feel about putting needles in someone but I didn't mind it- especially when I know how beneficially it can be.

And Jenny was encouraged by my success and worked up the nerve to do it to me. And that went well too!

One of my classmates did manage to bruise their partner when they needled them. Oops! Soooo glad that wasn't me!

A year from now I will probably have put 1000 needles in people and I won't even remember how scared I was and how proud of myself I was for sticking one little needle in. But it was pretty awesome.

the end of an era

So Monday afternoon I got an acupuncture treatment and it was lovely. I left feeling all relaxed and zen and then checked my voicemails to find out that I no longer had a job. What?!? It was quite the blow. The spa that I have worked at for 10+ years closed permanently on Monday with absolutely no warning. I mean, yes, I knew that they had been struggling financially throughout the years, but I thought we were doing better. I'd been busy when I was there. I hadn't heard any talk recently about problems.

I had my last day there and didn't even know it was my last day. No goodbyes. No closure.

At least my last few weeks there were awesome. All of my massages went really well and I was super happy. So that's how I will remember it.

And I have to say, I am rather proud of myself on how I have handled this. It's like I'm a grown up or something. :) But I found out on Monday and then had to take midterms on Tuesday and Thursday that I totally rocked and by Friday I had found a new place to work.

The problem with the job that I just left is that it was my dream job. The other therapists I worked with were amazing and the love and support I got from them made work so enjoyable. Made life so enjoyable. My clients were lovely. It was a healthy, relaxed atmosphere. And they were cool with me working only two days a week.

I scoured the want ads for a while and everything sounded horrible. Starting from scratch just made me want to cry. Dealing with spas that try to force you to sell beauty products to your clients goes against everything I believe in. I finally realized what I had to do... I had to go off on my own.

So now I'm renting an acupuncturist's office on Sundays when he's not there. I have the whole place to myself. I checked it out on Friday and it has a good vibe to it. Not super fancy but it has a good vibe to it. I already set up a webpage and am gonna order business cards tonight. I contacted a few of my regular clients (whose info I had, my boss won't give me any contact info of other clients) to let them know how to contact me if they want a massage.

I haven't even been unemployed a week and already I have a plan. And things are going to be alright.

Change is scary but it can be good, right? It's a chance for me to run things like I want to run them. And give me a taste so I will know if I really want to run my own place when I am out of school or not.

So it's been a big, scary, stressful week. But good stuff is happening.