heat wave = me not doing a dang thing

Okay, for real, how do people that live in hot climates get anything done?

I haven't even been outside yet today, apart from opening the window to water the plants, and I am about to pass out from the heat. Yes, I say that non-ironically while sitting in my pseudo air conditioning. I say "pseudo" because it doesn't work that well. The heat just makes you tired. So tired. So very, very tired.

I did about an hour's worth of writing and a few loads of laundry and I am feeling okay with calling that a day. That's pathetic!

At least I KNOW it's pathetic and am not walking around saying, "Whoa! Look at me! Look at what I got accomplished today!" Eating shelled peanuts and watching Field of Dreams does not a productive day make.

Oh well, I guess there's still time to change that. Let's go do something!

cleaning out the house

My parents are moving back. My parents, whom I learned to be a packrat from, are moving back, with ALL of their stuff.

Thus I decided that I needed to go through all of my stuff in Oak Park and get rid of as much of it as I could. Three bags of trash, one pile of giveaways and countless trips out to the recycling bin and I am pretty proud of myself. Of course, I still have way too much stuff.

How do I get rid of this stuff that makes me smile so big every time I see it?

There is a love letter from my dad. I was at a retreat my senior year of high school and all my friends and family had written me love letters and at one point during the retreat we sat down and read them. My dad NEVER talks about his feelings or says sweet things to me so this letter means a lot.

"Dear Nikki,

I'm not sure why other people have kids. Maybe it is to satisfy some deep biological urge, or to relive their childhoods over again, or maybe it is a way to show they are grown-up. However, I think your mother and I have kids because it was the way we were raised, it was the right thing to do, and it was our calling, our vocation. I have never felt cheated, that my children took away from other things I could have done. To the contrary, I feel very blessed that I have been entrusted with your care and with that of your brothers and sisters. If there is any burden you have made it very light indeed.

You have made me proud and happy on so many occasions. For instance, in Dr. Showel's office when we were learning about your mom's condition. I imagine you were very scared yet you all were so brave, so very supportive and trying your best to learn how you could help. That day I had to mentally step back and look at you all surrounding your mother and feel very good for her as well as for myself. No matter what we were going to be a very together family.

I am also proud of your academics. I'll take what you've done, especially the way you have persevered in your math classes. I hope you have had your share of "aha" experiences, when suddenly everything becomes clear. Also I hope it gave you confidence that you can accomplish difficult and complex things in life.

I look forward to the coming soccer season. I know that you will have a great season. You will be a good leader. Your teammates have all the confidence in the world in you. I think everybody feels that everytime you set up in the box you are capable of scoring a goal. You should have that confidence too, you have certainly prepared yourself for it. After all success is when preparedness meets opportunity.

I want you to know that I love you, that I have since holding you right after your birth and that I am very very proud to be your father.

Love

Dad."

I obviously can't get rid of that.

But even other things. Stupid notes that my friends wrote me in high school. Katie Cerullo was one of my favorite people of all times and she tragically died at an early age. Memories and those notes are all I have.

Then there is stupid stuff that I really should get rid of but I find too amusing to look back on. I found a scrap of paper from 10/06/2006- it was my schedule for work that day and it was obviously a slow day at work (only one client) so I had been doodling and writing on my schedule.

The first thing I had written was:

She stood on tiptoes

to be closer to the stars.

Oh my gosh! I LOVE that! Have I ever told you of my secret dream to write greeting cards or things like the Storytime people?!?

Then there is a conversation between two people:

Which way?

To what?

Towards my future?

There is no path.

Yes, that means

you can't get

lost and you

can't get stuck

and you can

go anywhere.

What if I don't

know how to get

where I want?

You try a path

and it that doesn't

work you try

another path

and you just

keep trying.

But I'll give you

a hint... there

is no "there"

because life doesn't

stop once you get

married or get

the perfect job

And THEN there was a doodle I had drawn of a cute little bunny and next to it were the words "The rabbit knows too much"

Funny things come out of slow days at work!

all better

My day is all better. I know you guys were worried, anxiously biting your nails over it. But do not fear, my day is going much more smoothly.

I have gotten the majority of the crazy glue off of my fingers (don't ask!)

I laid down to take a nap, which didn't happen but I did get to lie there for twenty minutes or so until my phone rang. It was my mom and we had a great conversation. Who knew that talking to my mom was going to be the thing to cheer me up?

Then after I got of the phone call I checked my email and had a big long email from a friend.

Ahhhh! I just feel better. Thank goodness.

low self-esteem

Today's song is "Jolene" by Ray Lamontagne.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdT9uzfTRM0

Do you ever have a song that just fits for the day? Not necessarily the lyrics but the FEEL of the song? Well, this is my song today.

I'm so NOT in love with today.

I'm having a low self-esteem sort of day. Which, for those of you who know me, is not usually my problem. I tend to see the best in people, and that extends to myself.

Not today.

My boyfriend, who usually has the uncanny ability to always say the right thing, did NOT say the right thing last night.

He came and watched my soccer game on Sunday. And I played well. Not outstanding. But considering it was 8 AM on a Sunday morning, 90 degrees out, I'm out of shape, we only had one girl sub and I was guarding a boy on the other team who was crazy good and unbelievably fast (and who was also beating all the boys on my team)-- I did a pretty damn good job. Sure, I had a few mistakes but I wasn't diving in or doing anything stupid.

So what did Mike say last night when the subject of the game came up for some reason? He said, "Well, um, you really hustled." Seriously? That's the equivalent of saying that an ugly person has a nice personality. I'd love to see his lazy ass out there. Grrrr. Can you tell that I'm still upset about it?

That just added to an already not great feeling that I had going on. It's so bad in fact that I was tempted to write a status update on Facebook. You've all seen them... the ones that are basically cries for help where the person writes "I'm so lame" and all their friends respond with "no you're not, you're totally awesome!" but those posts annoy the crap out of me so I didn't.

I'm feeling super down about my writing lately. It's crap. I'm okay with not being a brilliant writer yet. I'm still learning and improving and working on it. But I'm worried that I'm NEVER going to get any better. And that is disheartening me and making me not want to write at all.

And then to top it off, I have been bloated and feeling like a lard ass lately. When I went to drop off some books at the library this weekend- which is connected to a park- there were some black teenagers sitting around and I heard them say, "Damn, look at the booty on that girl!" Not in a super complimentary way either, more as in a shocked that a white girl could get an ass that big sort of way.

That was NOT what I needed.

I don't usually share my vulnerabilities and doubts. I don't like to admit to having weaknesses. I don't like admitting that I'm not 100% awesome and self-confident at all times. But I'm hoping if I just write them down and get them out there, they will stop gnawing at me.

Here's hopin'.

hipster

I got upset the other day because my client called me a hipster. This upset me because hipsters tend to annoy me so I don't want to be lumped in with them.

Why do hipsters annoy me?

* Because they are "anti-mainstream" they can come off as very negative and holier than thou.

* They don't want to wear all that "generic" clothes and want to have their own style, but end up all looking exactly like each other.

* Skinny jeans don't look good on most people.

* A lot of them have the super skinny, heroine addict look which I'm not particularly fond of.

* I don't share their taste in music. They tend to like obscure indie-rock bands that nobody has ever heard of.

However, I have to admit, that hipsters are also kind of awesome. Some of the best and most interesting times I've had in the last year were when I was hanging out with hipsters. Like the time that we went to the poetry reading where people read poetry that they wrote in grade school and high school.

Or the holiday party at Half Acre that had a 40 member marching band come play, marching through the middle of the party.

Hipsters are creative.

Hipsters are smart.

Hipsters are green. As in recycling and using public transportation or their bikes.

Hipsters are liberal. Go gay marriage!

So I fit some of the description of what a hipster is.

But read this description (which I personally think is pretty spot on...)

Referring to young people of around 18-30 years of age, who drink cheap beer (most often Pabst Blue Ribbon, on occasion Budwiser), smoke Parliaments, Lucky Strikes or hard to obtain foreign cigarettes (such as Gauloises) and take recreational drugs, coke being the most popular. Use a great deal of sarcasm, claim to be ironic. Are usually less than 5% body fat, drink copious amounts of coffee and eat children's cereal. Listen to Indie Rock, rely heavily on Pitchfork Media to tell them what's cool. Don't dance at concerts. Wear a mixture of thrifted clothing and items bought at American Apparel (commonly Tri-blend v-necks) and Urban Outfitters. Extremely tight jeans worn by both sexes, pairing these with either a band or b-movie t shirt and a plaid shirt/v-neck and a cardigan along with Nike hi-tops/Vans/Keds. Females often wear retro style dresses and racerback tank tops without bras. Eschew public transport and instead choose to ride fixed-break bikes. Often claim to know about literature and film - will have googled a good deal of Vonnegut and French New Wave cinema.

Does that sound like me?

No.

So what am I ?

I have a record player. I use public transportation. I love thrift store shopping. I like to read. I love independent movies. My boyfriend makes craft beer- and yes, he used to homebrew but no longer has time for it.

But I love summer blockbusters. I love popular music. I don't care about fashion. I have more than 5% body fat.

I'm not a yuppie. I'm not a trixie. Or a hipster. Or a sorority girl. I'm not a hippie.

What am I?

What does it matter?

Labels are useful for helping other people to get a handle on us. Especially if it is something that we call ourselves. How we describe ourselves says a lot.

On one social media site, a friend of mine described herself as "wife, mom, museum worker."

With that you can easily see what takes up the majority of her time and where her priorities lay.

So what words would I use to describe myself?

(in no particular order)

Penpal.

Writer.

Massage therapist.

Volunteer.

Becker. (as in a member of the Becker family. My family is a huge part of my identity)

Teammate.

Girlfriend.

Friend.

Thinker.

Dreamer.

Underachiever.

Puppeteer.

Nerd.

Overeater.

Introvert.

Goofball.

Funny t-shirt lover.

Empathizer.

Secret Agent.

Non-smoker.

Frenchie.

Creative but not artistic.

Smiling.

I don't know, do you think that sums me up? Is there something I am missing? What are your words? What words describe you? What words do you WISH described you?

And then there is also the problem that by defining ourselves we are somehow limiting ourselves.

However, I don't see labeling going away anytime soon.

P.S.- I think "hobbit" would be a good word for me right now... my meager breakfast is doing nothing for me and I am longing for second breakfast, or Elevensies.

inch worm!!!

I've never seen an inch worm before!!! How cute is it?

My favorite part was that of course the sidewalk that was totally empty a second before suddenly had a guy walk down it and then when I was filming a woman who was stopped in traffic asked me what I was filming. I told her that I had never seen an inch worm before and she told me that I should go camping. So now lots of people think I am crazy. Fair enough.

hail storm

Last night Mike and I were watching 127 Hours, that film about the guy who gets trapped by a boulder while out hiking.

It was good, but not really holding our attention. We took two breaks while watching it. The first was to take a walk and get some italian ice. The second was to watch the amazing lightning storm that blew in.

There was CRAZY lightning. Super intense. Super bright. And while we were enjoying that I heard a noise. There is a train that goes by a few blocks from our house and so I said to Mike, "Is that the train?" But Mike looks for a second and goes, "Uh-uh, that's NOT the train!" The roaring and rushing noise got louder and louder. And then we watched as a crazy hail storm pelted our neighborhood.

This is the view outside of our window.

Notice all the hail on the next door neighbor's lawn.

Our poor thyme!!!

The aftermath the next morning. (And no, the deck is NOT usually covered in leaves.)

Hard to see but the screen (all six that face the back) were ripped to shreds.

And this is the front of our house.

And check out our front sidewalk! Crazy!